[notoriouslyKEN]

I did not make these up, but I wish I had. Some of them are pretty funny. I can't post the link to the original site, b/c I don't have 15 posts yet. Enjoy.

#1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth. #2. Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard.
#3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon merengue.
#4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.
#5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they'd left for his mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.
#6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.
#7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.
#8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.
#9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', 'frappe', and 'plasmify'.
#10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.
#11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry.
#12. On Rachel Ray's Show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.
#13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.
#14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a Pontiac, and still cut a tin can.
#15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinagrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstacy at forty paces.
#16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, that is.
#17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and spices -- and they were delicious.
#18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever -- try as they might, they simply can't 'do it his way'.
#19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food -- including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green. It's people!
#20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.
#21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.
#22. Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.
#23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.
#24. Alton Brown's other car is the Wienermobile.
#25. Alton Brown's show is called "Good Eats", because 'Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms' didn't play with the network's target demographic.
#26. Alton Brown's freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin.
#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.
#28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching.
#29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.
#30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.

[Mezzaluna]

Could it be from here? http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?fun...hread_id=65616

I saw this in several blogs. I wonder where it originated.....?

[jaunDiego]

That's what we come here for...a little "wow". My thought is that these people who make up the "chosen ones" for TV hack cooks are just in the right place at the right time...and happen to know some influential people. I would never assign real "kitchen cred" to most of these hacks. Although, I would love to make money like they do for actually working in the trenches like I do...NOW THAT would be something! ****** **...the Food TV B-shisnat artists. A bunch of no-talent, soft fingered, foodie wanna-bies.

Originally Posted by notoriouslyKEN

Wow....umm....just wow.....

[notoriouslyKEN]

bitter much??

I posted those b/c I found them funny, not out of praise for everything TV Chef. Lighten up some, you might live longer.

[Jim]

Ken,
Funny post! Some wit to come up with all that stuff! I like the three minute egg in 37 seconds!
Juan,
Apparently you are only speaking from an 'outside observer' perspective with little more than a surface understanding of who Alton Brown is, what he has done, the knowledge he posseses or the food he produces. Rather than sit in such a lofty position of annonymity and ridicule, why not take the high road of letting others speak rather than merely speaking to see what type of rise you can get from others?
Oh, and for the record... We don't come here for the "wow." But, hey, that is exactly what we thought you would say.

[Botanique]

<clapping> Bravo. Alton's good people. 'Nuff said.

Originally Posted by Jim

Ken,
Funny post! Some wit to come up with all that stuff! I like the three minute egg in 37 seconds!
Juan,
Apparently you are only speaking from an 'outside observer' perspective with little more than a surface understanding of who Alton Brown is, what he has done, the knowledge he posseses or the food he produces. Rather than sit in such a lofty position of annonymity and ridicule, why not take the high road of letting others speak rather than merely speaking to see what type of rise you can get from others?
Oh, and for the record... We don't come here for the "wow." But, hey, that is exactly what we thought you would say.

[notoriouslyKEN]

Well, I am glad some people enjoyed it. I was worried about this forum for a minute.

[Mezzaluna]

No worries Ken! The mods do their best to keep an eye on things.

Mezzaluna

[Botanique]

NK please don't worry, most of us are quite amilable.... But you know how some cooks / chefs can get a little, ahem, "pissy." Everyone has their own opinion and has the right to express it -- however some people do not realize when they are being a little on the offensive side of life. Welcome. Cheers! Stevie

[mudbug]

Originally Posted by jaunDiego

That's what we come here for...a little "wow". My thought is that these people who make up the "chosen ones" for TV hack cooks are just in the right place at the right time...and happen to know some influential people. I would never assign real "kitchen cred" to most of these hacks. Although, I would love to make money like they do for actually working in the trenches like I do...NOW THAT would be something! ****** **...the Food TV B-shisnat artists. A bunch of no-talent, soft fingered, foodie wanna-bies.

When I read posts like yours, I can't help but think.. "Jealous?"

Alton Brown trained at the New England Culinary Institute in Montpelier, Vermont (final examination takes 700 hours to complete) and spent a decade working as a cinematographer and video director. As with most TV hosts, they have what most chef's do not have which is a TV personality. Before Good Eats, Brown wass probably best known for his work as the director of photography for the R.E.M. music video The One I Love. If he were so bad at creating and hosting Good Eats, he never would have lasted the eight years the show has been on the air.

It is very easy to criticize other human beings. It's important to understand that this directly reflects on the person doing the criticizing.

[boosehound]

okay so ill assume for one quick second that everyone that posts on this forum was born at NIGHT but not LAST NIGHT. anyone on television has a TELEVISION PERSONALITY. get it? does that make sense. do you actually think he acts that way all the time? you know what his show may be a little wacky, but its one of few ill actually watch on that god for saken network. now to set the record straight before my next statement, i do not know alton brown, **** he probably wouldnt even ever remember me, but i have spoken with him, as in sat down with another chef freind of mine and spoke with him about all kinds of random s*it. then when i see him on TV i think to myself, thats the guy I spoke to? has anyone read his book(sure he sighned mine, yay me!) the book is great(IMHO). my point? anyone on tv is doing a job, like you and me, its a job entertaining maybe teaching someone something. may it be something big or little thats just what they do. and IMHO i think for the food network alton takes the cake. SO QUIT YOUR WHINING

[boosehound]

almost forgot...... good post i found it funny

[AlbanyMike]

I don't know squat about the industry (well maybe a little more then squat) but I know Alton is fun to watch and you actually learn something about WHY things happen when we cook.

He does get a bit annoying on Iron Chef America though.

[MuskyHopeful]

7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.

I like that one best. My sauces usually demoralize me.

Kevin

I like muskies.

[Botanique]

LOL I feel your pain

Originally Posted by MuskyHopeful

7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.

I like that one best. My sauces usually demoralize me.

Kevin

I like muskies.