caring friends

phoebe · #1 10-30-2006, 10:50 AM

My husband and I just finished (hopefully, fingers crossed

) with a rather scary 10 days. As a result, David had to go to the ER and then be admitted to hospital twice (both 48 hour stays). The problem may or may not be resolved, but at least he's home now.
But this post is about good friends and food. I kept pretty much to myself the first round. Most people found out what we were going through after the fact. But this second time, everyone knew. I was spending all my time at the hospital with brief runs home to get things he needed and grab some sleep. One set of friends insisted on taking me away from the hospital one evening and out to dinner. It took me an hour to let go and unwind a bit. Then I was SO grateful! Just to be out in the world with loving friends around me and comforting food was a life-saver. And even to just sit and watch people having "normal" lives, eating dinner on dates, with family, etc was refreshing. One of the friends sent me home with cookies that David and I are both still enjoying. Yesterday, when I brought David home in the afternoon, our neighbors informed us that they would bring us over dinner. And they did, on a big tray, all beautifully arranged with several courses (neither of us could finish all the food, so we have lunch for today

). I hadn't been able to shop much less think about cooking, so this was indeed the perfect gift.

I'm just writing this to say that I will never forget the kindness of these people and what a great gift it is to the one who is the advocate/care-giver to be looked after a bit by others. And food is REALLY one of the best ways.

chrose · #2 10-30-2006, 11:56 AM

Em, I hope all continues to go well and get better. Sometimes we all get so wrapped up in our own lives it takes things like this for the real warmth and care to come through. When times get tough it is nice to be surrounded by all the care and concern. It's nice to know that the support is there when you need it. I know when I was sick, people were coming out of the woodwork to help Sheila. I was finding things out years later about what some people had done.
Well our best wishes are with you.

panini · #3 10-30-2006, 12:09 PM

Emily,
Taking the role of caregiver is a huge undertaking.

Jim · #4 10-30-2006, 01:23 PM

Here's to hoping all is better! From a movie, I heard something along the lines of "people are at their very best when things are at their worst." Take care.

Mezzaluna · #5 10-30-2006, 02:09 PM

Emily, my heart goes out to you. I just went through a health crisis, and my husband (who never asks for support or help) was extremely grateful when my cousin sat with him during my surgery. It hadn't occurred to him that he'd need it, but he did and was so glad she was there.

I hope everything turns out well for you and David as it did for me and my husband. I'll say a prayer for both of you!

Mezz

phoebe · #6 10-30-2006, 03:37 PM

Thank you all SO much for your kind words and wishes.
Chrose, are the roses in the candy one of your creations? How "sweet" and absolutely lovely! Thank you!
And Pan, I'm sorry you edited your post. Please put back what you wrote (if you feel comfortable with that); you didn't hijack anything! I especially loved the story about wondering what you were going to feed your son and then finding all that food (and the 3 big mystery guys

). You've been so generous with your and your wife's experiences, and I personally have found them very helpful. I really appreciate it. And since I meant the thread to be about how meaningful it was to be fed and cared for when I was preoccupied with David's care, it fit perfectly.
Jim, that quote is great! I saw a lot of that in the ER and around the hospital.
Mezz, thank you for your love and prayers. You know I send you my best as well.

Let me just say that this brief crisis has changed my driving habits (at least for now). Driving in L.A. is not for the faint of heart, and I can be as aggressive and as much of an a-hole as anyone else. But boy do I not care about any of that now. Cut me off, honk at me, drive too slowly in front of me, go ahead and take "my" parking spot

; I could care less. I just smile and wave and change the channel on the radio.

panini · #7 10-30-2006, 03:48 PM

Emily,
Sorry, October has been greatest and the crappyiest month of the year. 20Anniversary, birthdays, but also the month of both our diagnosis.
jeff

phoebe · #8 10-30-2006, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by panini

Emily,
Sorry, October has been greatest and the crappyiest month of the year. 20Anniversary, birthdays, but also the month of both our diagnosis.
jeff

Jeff, nothing to be sorry about.
At least it's nearly over for another year. And, if I may be allowed just a little black humor, this gives "trick or treat" a whole new meaning. Personally, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.

kuan · #9 10-30-2006, 04:47 PM

Emily, glad to hear everything's OK. Where would we be without friends?

henry · #10 10-30-2006, 05:59 PM

Years ago before my first wife died, she was very ill at home and needed hospice care. Her wonderful friends banned together and organized an every- night food delivery to our house for nearly a month. I was working and had two small children at the time, and at night I had nursing duties as well. The food and the friends visiting made such a huge difference. I'll never forget that time, and now if I know someone has a similar situation to Emily's, I like to bring food, even if it's carry-out from a nice place.

h.

shroomgirl · #11 11-05-2006, 08:04 AM

Emily, 2 weeks ago my love for the past 9 years past away....I found out on Monday afternoon....I had a heirloom pork tasting event that evening, told friends what happened when I got there...after working through the evening, the chefs that came just made sure I was ok. The memorial was on Wed. and I had to walk out of the synagog, finally sat on the back roped off row and left as quickly as possible. For 5 days I keened and wept all the time....
That weekend I had a sit down for 20, 2 parties on Sat. 45 minute drive apart.....
I overstaffed not knowing what kind of shape I'd be in. My sous said he would come in, prep, work through Fridy and one of Sat parties.....

Friday, afternoon I made a condolence call to his house for his 2 adult daughters. Not sure if I'd end up in a puddle on the floor. My physician brother told me he would go with me (essentially putting patients on hold) if I needed him. That was all it took. I dropped off marshmallows/hot choc and spent 10 minutes in his home. Went back to work.....did not cry Friday when talking about him, worked through prep and parties Sat. going back and forth between the two....getting home at 1am, up Sun at 6:30am and spontaneously joined shroom buddies on a hunt 80 miles south of town.

I can't explain it other than he was in poor health for the past 6 years, on dialysis 3x week, heart issues, etc.....I loved him, miss him and now have energy I've not had for the past couple of years. I was not his caretaker I was his lover, his friend, his student.
The experience of having the amount of crew I had really opened my eyes to expansion of Chanterelle Catering.

One friend sent me this e-mail that was so appropriate, it's on my bulletin board to remind me that when words are not available just letting others know you care can make a world of difference......

my friend, i am utterly speechless. i tried four times to call you
yesterday, but each time, put the phone back down. i just don't know what to
do in times like these.

i know one thing for certain: i am here, in any way you need me, at any
time. i mean it. whatever you need, please ask. if you need someone to
listen, a shoulder to cry on, someone to go out w/you for several martinis,
just tell me. i don't want to intrude or get in the way of your grieving, so
i'm just putting it out there and will let you decide what you need and
when. please know that i am thinking of you often and sending peace and
comfort your way.

Stef

So my cyber friend know we are here to hear you, if you need us we are on somewhere in the world 24/7.....wishing you peace and comfort.
Julie aka Shroom.

*oh, I still tear up occasionally....but the smiles, stories and energy is still bountiful.

chrose · #12 11-05-2006, 09:49 AM

Julie and Em my heart goes out to both of you. We always try to find the right words to say but of course there are none. We can only go on with the support from friends and with time things get better. An old line that I recall Paul McCartney singing always sticks with me "Is it for her or myself that I cry". It is for us of course.
6 years ago my heart stopped for about 15 minutes in my living room. If not for my wife and then the paramedics I wouldn't be writing this. But because of that I tend to see things a little differently now. My feelings from the other side are is that it's not so bad leaving. When you're gone, you're gone. We tend I think to feel like death is painful, and that the person passing is going through an awful time. We place our feelings onto the other person and we feel badly for them. But the human brain is capable of some incredible things and one of them I think is to take any situation no matter how horrible it may be and put us into a sense of calm and well being for the last moments and that anything that preceeded is wiped away. Based on my expeience alone is from where I speak. I saw no white light etc, but when I came back a week later I had zero recall of the moment(s). So of course the pain is left to those who are left behind. But we know that our time is temporary so we remember the good times and forgive the bad times. Because one day none of us we'll be here. Nobody gets out alive, and all we ask is that occasionally you think of us and remember us and our times both good and bad. As long as one person remembers us then we have never really left. It is the duty of everyone else to continue to live your lives to the best you can, and enjoy all your breaths. That would make us happy.

I hope this wasn't too rambling and you get what I am trying to say. See like I said, it's hard to find the right words. But my gut feeling about the whole situation is that "it's not that bad" we're all going to go through it.
Once in awhile if I read a story about someone who passed no matter how long ago it was, I stop for a moment and think about who they were and just say to no one in particular "I am thinking about you". To me they have lived on a little more. Julie I never met your love and have no idea who he was, but I can promise you that every once in awhile I will think of you two, and maybe his spirit will pass a little further.

panini · #13 11-05-2006, 09:53 AM

Julie,
I'm truly sorry.
There will be a strong positive action from this. Don't try to find it, it'll just be there.
Challenges like this, in life, enroll you into a special group. You'll find the hi-sign in others demeanor.
You're in my thoughts, Jeff

cakerookie · #14 11-05-2006, 01:07 PM

Emily;

Best wishes and I hope everything goes well for you and your husband. I will be praying for you. Good Luck.

Rgds Rook

Mezzaluna · #15 11-05-2006, 01:08 PM

Julie, my heartfelt condolences for you in your grief. You turned to life and the living at that time and the "normalcy" was a help. Letting go of a loved one who has suffered a long time is a relief, as well I know.

I wish you peace.
Mezz