it's my day off

eds77k5 · #1 01-07-2007, 09:26 AM

i am lurking, someone tell a joke, let's lighten up here, you guys work too much, have a nice and relaxing day.

deltadoc · #2 01-07-2007, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eds77k5

i am lurking, someone tell a joke, let's lighten up here, you guys work too much, have a nice and relaxing day.

A Dinner Conversation Gone Wrong

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not, don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (Groans)

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do

WIFE: Would you play golf with her?

HUSBAND: I guess so.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND: **** .........

MuskyHopeful · #3 01-07-2007, 10:14 AM

An old couple is sitting together in church. The old wife leans over to her husband and whispers,

"I just let a silent fart, what should I do?"

The husband looks at her with an embarrasingly disgusted look and replies,

"Replace the battery in your hearing aid!"
__________________

Kevin

panini · #4 01-07-2007, 12:24 PM

Not sure if you read my thanksgiving post.
I stopped by our pastry cooks house that morning to pick our Mole. Mexicans make Mole out of their free turkeys because they don't like this bird to much.
Lots of people over so I gave him a hand is tidying up his kitchen. I found a paper towel with two large chunks of breast meat. I turned them over only to find the pop-up timers in them. I asked, what's up? He then told me in Spanish he had a heck of a time getting those anti-theft things out of the Turkeys.
No joke, real story.
pan

AprilB · #5 01-07-2007, 03:04 PM

I bought my daughter some goldfish for Christmas.

The water was looking a little murky so I mentioned that we should get a filter for the tank.

She told me that she wanted to get an algae eater.

So I said: You want a Jewish fish?

What?

A Gefilter fish!!!

BAHAHAHA!

April

foodpump · #6 01-07-2007, 09:36 PM

Guy walks into a bar...

Actually he walks into the men's room. He's at a urininal and can't help but stare at the guy next to him. The guy is doing his business 4 feet away, without any problems. The guy sees him staring.

"oh.. Sorry for staring. It's just that I've never seen anyone so, ah... big."

The guy looks over and says:

"Well, I had a little help. See, what you gotta do is, rub a little lard on it every night. Within a a week, you'll see results."

So our friend, we'll call him Joe, smiles and and walks away. Few days later it's still on his mind and he thinks, what the heck, it's only lard, can't hurt. I'll give it a try.

Few weeks pass. As luck would have it, Joe walks int o the same bar, goes to the john, and meets the same guy. They guy asks him how the lard treatment worked.

"Not so good. Matter of fact it's having a,... ah, negative effect"

"Didja use lard, like I told you?"

"Yeah, sure. Used Crisco."

"No, no, you eejit. I said lard, not shortening!...."

kuan · #7 01-07-2007, 10:43 PM

Two chefs were caught by cannibals and thrown in the pot to boil. One chef says to the other, "we've got them now"

The other chef says "what do you mean?"

First chef says "they forgot to salt the water first!"

Mezzaluna · #8 01-08-2007, 09:22 AM

Long, but worth sticking with it:

A Texan decides he wants to see more of the USA so he goes to New York City. His friends have told him he has to visit an authentic Jewish delicatessen, so he finds one and sits himself down at the counter.

"What'll you have?" asked the waitress.

"Well, Ma'am, I'm new to this way of eatin' and I just don't know what to order. What's good?"

"A nice bowl of matzo ball soup is what you want," she told him.

The Texan looked askance, puzzled, reluctant to try the suggestion, but at last ordered a bowl of matzo ball soup.

The waitress soon returned with a big bowl of the golden soup with two matzo balls glistening in the broth. The Texan gave a hesitant look, but picked up his spoon and took a bite of one of the dumplings. His cautious taste led to more enthusiastic bites and soon he finished the bowl.

The waitress returned and said, "I guess you liked the soup!"

"I sure did, Ma'am!" he replied with gusto. "But I have just one little question."

"Sure, what do you want to know?" the waitress asked.

"Just what other parts of this here matzo critter do you folks eat?"

panini · #9 01-08-2007, 01:30 PM

foodnfoto · #10 01-08-2007, 02:11 PM

I went to a midnight service this past Christmas Eve to learn that the church had a tradition of a Chistmas joke. The preist started his sermon with this:

Three women were having coffee and bragging out their sons. One woman said " My boy is a preist. Whenever he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father." Another woman said "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, 'Your grace'." The third woman just smiled sweetly when the others asked about her son. "My son is a 6 foot eight, hunky Chippendale's dancer. When he walks into a room everyone says "My Lord!"

Father Shane asked that we not tell the bishop about that joke or we'll get his Christmas greeting from Siberia next year.