pet peeve -- when recipes bomb . . .

[nancya]

It's the bash Martha forum!!!

Martha Stewart vs real life


Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just **** the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too **** bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your
forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if
necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[Isa]

My god what have I done! I've created a monster.


Nancy I am ashame of you!

[W.DeBord]

Woooooo nancya, now that's giving her **** in a way I can totally agree with. Good rock solid points NO one can dispute. My hats off!

I have the feeling you have more and are being shy????????

[nancya]

Sorry, not original thoughts on my part. This was sent to me by a friend a while ago.

I do have a quite funny one on Martha NOT coming to Thanksgiving dinner, however.

[Kimmie]

Lets's have it, Nancya.

[fontzmark]

Kyle,
I agree...that was good!
How are the boys?

[KyleW]

The boys are well. I posted their lastest progeny on Monday. I have one from this morning I will post tonight along with pictures of Mary Agnes.

[isaac]

nancya... hats off to you. those were very funny indeed.


about martha "borrowing" recipes from other people: we all do that in one way or another. no one is going to reinvent the wheel. everything has been done by someone sometime ago.

[bakerbebe]

Again, as I stated in an earlier post -- I know ideas are borrowed from other people. I said my complaint was that Martha acts like they are her own ideas -- like they are her little brainchild. Example -- she was doing a show on that dirtcake -- you know for kids -- the chocolate pudding, crushed oreos, and worms on top. I have seen it a million times. On the show, she was talking like she and her food staff had made the idea up. It was just too ridiculous. There is a difference between being infuluenced by someone's work, and just plain taking credit for an idea. Ya know??
Another example is how she started arranging fruit and flowers together. This has been done forever. Again, she was talking like she had *invented* this idea. It is one thing if she just takes ideas here and there and uses them, it is another to take credit for ideas that have been around forever. That is my complaint -- not that she is influenced by the work of others (I know we all are influenced by the work of others).
Whew!

[Isa]

Yes Nancy don't stop now! I nver heard the Thanksgiving story. I know of a Chrsitmas story: Why I want to slap Martha. I didn't write it.


Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Albright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.

"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself

[nancya]

Oh, my, Iza...if nothing else, Poor Martha has inspired a tremendous number of parodies. Okay, the Thanksgiving story [also not an original]:

A Change in Plans

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance,
so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small
changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it
was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have
the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal
goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since
this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the
Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead,
we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration handcrafted from the finest
construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you with you wait. I’m
sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding
Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these
comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard
enough to cut diamonds. As an accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording
of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a
clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast.
In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a
formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the
table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a
crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety
reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do
not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small,
unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is
unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12
different scrumptious deserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished
with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave
it.

Martha Steward will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come
next year either.

I am thankful.

[Isa]

What is they say Nancy? Talk about me in good or bad terms but talk about me? Must be true for Martha.

I love your Thanksgiving story!

[ August 03, 2001: Message edited by: Iza ]

[angrychef]

Love everyone's stories!
I have tried a couple of recipes at her website and 4 out of five have been horrible. I've learned to take note of her people's ideas and decorating techniques and leave the recipes behind.

[Isa]

In all fairness to Martha, I should say that her hors d'oeuvres book is very good.

[Svadhisthana]

I've never tried any recipes from her website, but all of the ones I've used from the magazine turn out nicely. Could they be editing the recipes ingredients/instructions for space constraints?