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Food Humour - Page 2

post #31 of 56

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.




:bounce:
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #32 of 56
What do you know she invented a new language : Chemical English. Wonder if it will catch on... ;)
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
post #33 of 56

Boo!

Hey, Kimmie! This sort of thing could give me nightmares!

At least it doesn't say to tirate anything....

shudder
post #34 of 56
Two ladies walk out of a restaurant, and one turns and says to the other" That was absolutly the WORST tasting meal I have ever had." Her friend replies " You're right. And the portions were small, too."
-from Woody Allens' "Annie Hall".

Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead were walking down the street, when a delivery truck veered wildly onto the sidewalk, smashing poor Mr. Potatohead. Badly mashed, but not dead he is rushed by ambulance to the E. R. for surgery. After waiting hours for word of her husband, he is finally wheeled out of the operating room. The doctors try to console his grieving wife. "Mrs Potatohead," begins the doctor "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your husband survived the accident. The bad news is, he will be a vegetable the rest of his life."
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
post #35 of 56
A Frankfurter reading his junk mail:"You may already be a weiner"
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
post #36 of 56

Re: Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

That's what my wife does. I figure the recipe, she does the product formulation and scaleup (although seldom on the same product).

Kuan
post #37 of 56

uh?

Kuan:

Do you mean that your wife writes recipes?
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #38 of 56
What did one mushroom say to the other?

You're a fungi.

Two chefs were caught by cannibals and were sitting in the pot waiting to be boiled alive. One looks at the other and says "HAH! now we've got them! They forgot to salt the water!"
post #39 of 56
Heh nope Kimmie, I mean my wife converts these recipes into extremely large scale formulations. She works with single and twin screw extruders and writes the engineering documents like you have up there for large scale production. :)

Kuan
post #40 of 56

Please! NO PUMPKIN HUMOR!

Hope your day is going better than this guy's!

post #41 of 56

Food One-Liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.


BTW Kuan, Thanks for your input!
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #42 of 56
:lol: :lol: :lol:
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
post #43 of 56

McDonald's Solilquy

Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
To taste as to sight? or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before. There's no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.

[A bell rings.]

I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to ****.

[Exeunt.]
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #44 of 56

The Rules of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

:lips:
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #45 of 56
Thank you so much Quenelle. This was great.

Sartre died in Paris in 1981. His last word is reputed to have been, simply, "Trix."




:p
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #46 of 56
Makes me think of Citizen Kane famous last word: Rosebud

Wonder what Sartre was thinking about.....
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
post #47 of 56
A nun eats at an Abbey and has an incredible meal of fish and chips, she finishes eating and asks to see the chefs......
she goes into the kitchen with two monks cooking and says which Brother cooked the french fries they were wonderul....
I'm the chip monk and he is the fish friar!!!!
cooking with all your senses.....
Reply
cooking with all your senses.....
Reply
post #48 of 56
What did the Dali Lama ask for at McDonald's?

Make me one with everything.


I love the idea of Sartre's cook book. I have Freud's Own Cookbook which explores the "oral origin of neurosis," which I love dearly. Birth Trauma Cake is one of my favorite recipes - the cake is placed in the oven, but never baked.

As for Sartre's last word...perhaps he was thinking "Trix are for kids..."
post #49 of 56
Thread Starter 
Good one Nancy, I had to think for a couple of minutes on the Dahli Lama joke.

here's one

a duck walks into a bar, hops up on the counter and says to the bar keep "got any bread"

bar keep: " no we don't serve ducks here"
duck " got any bread ?"
bar keep " no, we don't serve ducks here"
duck " got any bread ?"
bar keep " No, for last time, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"
duck " got any nails ?"
bar keep "no"
duck " good, got any bread ?"
post #50 of 56
Funny CoolJ!

Nancya: «the cake is placed in the oven, but never baked»

That's probably where the trauma comes from. :lol:
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #51 of 56

Cojones

Joe traveled to Spain and wandered into a Madrid restaurant one night for a late dinner.

He ordered the house specialty and was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" Joe asked.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

"But, what are cojones?" Joe asked.

"Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first Joe was disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy. To Joe's amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good, Joe decided to return the next night and order it again.

This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller.

"What's this?" Joe asked the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

"No, no," Joe objected, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."

:confused:
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #52 of 56

Not really that funny but a true recipe...

Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

In deep, dark November, you won't be overrun with grasshoppers so I suggest you try this out on slugs...


Ingredients:
baker's chocolate
candied crickets

Directions:
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.

A tasty surprise in every one! :bounce:
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
K

«Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.»
«Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt.»
«Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.»
Reply
post #53 of 56
Slugs are just not crispy enough...but didn't someone here say they had some extra roaches????

eeewwwwwwww
post #54 of 56
I'll pass.
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
post #55 of 56

Slugs aren't crispy enough

But they sure do fit the bill when you want a soft and chewy center.
SmartGirl to the rescue!
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SmartGirl to the rescue!
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post #56 of 56
At the Insectarium, our local bug museum, they're having a special all month, bug cuisine. Delicacy from all over the world.
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.

- Desiderius Erasmus
Reply
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