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post #241 of 304
hehe yes it's a great one for kids....
Here's another one for kids.

Q: What was the last thing that went thru the moth's mind before it hit the windscreen?
A: It's bottom. (or whatever word is age/person apppropriate)

Haha:peace:
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #242 of 304
OK, what do you have if you have one moth ball in one hand and another moth ball in the other hand?


Wait for it......................

A REALLY BIG MOTH!
Chef,
Specialties: MasterCook/RecipeFox; Culinary logistics; Personal Chef; Small restaurant owner; Caterer
Chef,
Specialties: MasterCook/RecipeFox; Culinary logistics; Personal Chef; Small restaurant owner; Caterer
post #243 of 304

Just another kiddy-in-church moment...

3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I just loved that last one...:blush:
Bill and Izzie: Proud parents of a soldier.
Looking back on all the mistakes I've made in my life, all I can say is I've gotten a lot of miles out of stupid.
Bill and Izzie: Proud parents of a soldier.
Looking back on all the mistakes I've made in my life, all I can say is I've gotten a lot of miles out of stupid.
post #244 of 304
Thread Starter 
Hopefully this is not too much on topic. I was born to missionary parents, and my dad sent this:


Church humor:

To our editor!!!!
Excerpts from Church Bulletins
Thank God for church's with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "****" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
3. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is ****?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow.
24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
post #245 of 304
<tears of laughter here> good ones peoples :D

#25 is a riot! Your dad must have had great fun collecting them - I'm sending this on to family and friends, if that's ok. "Gracious hostility"...and I pity the Low self esteem group - I'm sure that would have made their day! Same with the Weight watchers group....still laughing. Thanks Yeti :)

Pete-now that IS a big moth.

Elizabeth - Love the one with the young girl saying grace.

Yep - these are definitely going to my emailers :D
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #246 of 304
Thread Starter 
:bounce:
:bounce::bounce:
:bounce::bounce::bounce:
:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
post #247 of 304
:smoking::smoking::bounce::smoking::smoking:
:smoking::bounce::bounce::smoking:
:eek::bounce::bounce::bounce::eek:


It's really hard to make a pyramid - dunno why the Egyptians persevered....
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #248 of 304
Thread Starter 
HHH..HHHHH:bounce:
H....HHHH:bounce::bounce:
..H..HH:bounce::bounce::bounce:
...HH:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
..K:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:

Do I have spare time or what? :talk:
post #249 of 304
Aww dang...that's what I wanted to do :D It wouldn't work for me :( You must be part Egyptian back in the long long ago
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #250 of 304
Thread Starter 
I had to type some characters in white, to space them out :)
post #251 of 304
Thread Starter 
I wonder what happened to Tessa . . . she's disappeared since last March.
post #252 of 304

It's snowing

Good Morning Chef Talkers:chef:

Ahhh Yea! A snowy day to stay home and relax. . . .. Movies anyone?:beer:

Up first:- Ferris Bueller's Day Off

:bounce::bounce::bounce:
:peace:
post #253 of 304
We went shooting at a target range in Arnold (Missouri) yesterday morning with some friends, then had lunch at a nice restaurant somewhere...talk of political correctness stuff...
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '


You must now refer to them as


APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.



And, furthermore. ..


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -


She is a

'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2.. She is not 'EASY' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

(Loved this one!)


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' -


She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' -


She is a


'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'



6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' She is a


'LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'...

He has developed a


'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'



2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'



3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He


'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '



4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in


'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'



5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL *** ' - He develops a case of


RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's


'REAR CLEAVAGE.


.:bounce::peace::bounce:
Bill and Izzie: Proud parents of a soldier.
Looking back on all the mistakes I've made in my life, all I can say is I've gotten a lot of miles out of stupid.
Bill and Izzie: Proud parents of a soldier.
Looking back on all the mistakes I've made in my life, all I can say is I've gotten a lot of miles out of stupid.
post #254 of 304
I think her kitten must have done her in....seriously, hope she's ok out there.
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #255 of 304
Thread Starter 
Kindness does not need a proven result.

Kindness, in itself, gives people hope and makes people believe in good.

If you act kindly toward others in their time of need or grief, or even in happy times, your act of kindness will be a part of their life, whether they remember your face or not. You will have made a difference. And sometimes, the kindness without a name or face is the most remembered :)

(My own thoughts but surely not new)
post #256 of 304
This is so sweet. **muah* hahaha. Want to hear something funny. After reading this I was singing Try a little Kindness while cleaning the bathroom and now everyone in the house is singing it (lol). It was one of my favorite Sunday School song.

Try a little kindness
(Glenn Campbell)
YouTube - Glen Campbell Try A Little Kindness Live 2002

If you see your brother standing by the road
With a heavy load from the seeds he sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way
Just stop and say,"You're goin' the wrong way"

You've got to try a little kindness
Yes show a little kindness
Yes shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll over-look the blindness
Of narrow minded people on their narrow minded street

Don't walk around the down and out
Lend a helping hand instead of doubt
And the kindness that you show every day
Will help someone along their way

You've got to try a little kindness
Yes show a little kindness
Yes shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
And you'll over look the blindness
Of narrow minded people on their narrow minded street
post #257 of 304
I got one of the things I wanted out of life. Man, I feel like a woman.

:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::b ounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bou nce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
post #258 of 304
Kindness......

Do at least one nice or kind thing for somebody every day of your life, whether that be opening a door for someone, letting them thru traffic, holding a shopping cart in a sloping car park while its trying to roll away and they're struggling.

Smile at a child who looks sad. Say thankyou, and please.

Small things, to be true, but they all make a difference for the better. It'll make you feel good too. If you can do at least one act of kindness a day - it makes a difference.
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #259 of 304
Thread Starter 
A hopeful sign in these lean times--I got as far as a pre-interview screen for a job, now hoping they'll call to schedule an interview.
post #260 of 304
Fingers toes and eyes crossed for you, Yeti.


On another note re employment - we can't get people who *want to work.  It's ridiculous.  The people we eventually find have had really hard times and lives - they work out to be the most reliable workers.  We gave them a chance - they come up with the effort.  Sure, not 100% success rate.  To be expected.  But pretty darn close.
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #261 of 304
I hope you get the interview, Yeti!

DC we have the same problem with workers.. in this economy you'd think people would be greatful for their jobs and take them seriously.  One of our best workers is a recent immigrant from Ukraine.  Yes her English still has a way to go but she is amazing and I have to say she is one of the strongest cooks we have.
OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
post #262 of 304
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the encouragement

I did have an interview, just got back from it. The job is in high tech product testing, which I've been away from for 5 years, and I don't think I did that well. I'll find out soon. I took notes on the questions in case I get another chance in the future.

That "behavioral interviewing" is something you have to be prepared for. Anticipating questions and having answers ready ahead of time makes a lot of difference, and I had to stretch my memory back 5 years. I'm waiting for that call "thank you for your interest in Lionbridge. Unfortunately . . "
post #263 of 304
Yeti - I had the same difficulty when I tried to get back into photography after several years away from it.  Some simple questions I would have known stumped me - simple stuff - I mucked it up big time.  Guess it was not meant to be,  But the sods didn't even have the decency to tell me I was unsuccessful - I had to call them.  It was a pity as the actual person I would have been working hand in hand with - we got on really well at the interview.  I really enjoyed having a good chin wag with him for over an hour.  It was the second interview that I totally mucked up.   That was many moons ago, but it still annoys me that I got a case of the nerves and went mind blank. 

Keep us posted - if this one doesn't work out (but I really hope it does), keep out there amongst it. I think Leeniek is looking for someone ......

Leeniek - know where you are coming from there.  Especially in these times - if you get a chance to work - take it!  So many people want to start at the top, not work their way up from the bottom.  Life just doesn't work (no pun intended) that way.
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #264 of 304
I thought for sure I messed up the interview I had for the job I have now.  I had a great time chatting with the interviewers and we shared a joke or two over the half hour I was there.  I was just sure that there was someone out there who was more qualified than I was who they would hire over me and I was so happy and suprised when I got the call.  While I sucked monkey butt at spinning crepes they did put me on the egg station and I made it through all of the cuts and well.. we know where I am with them today. 

Keep us posted, Yeti  you might just be pleasantly surprised!

DC I hear you... people get out of school and right away they think they are entitled to the top job... it has to be a shock for them that they have to earn that postiion instead of walk right into it..
OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
post #265 of 304
Leeniek - first job my husband got at 16 just out of school was sweeping floors.  My first job at 14 was checkout chick.  We now own a pretty good business, the children have grown up well to young responsible adults.  The journey has been long and for sure we have made bad decisions along the way.  But (touch wood) it's going well. And the family is in one piece.
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #266 of 304
Thread Starter 
I got a big surprise--I was offered the job today. Thank you for the good wishes.
post #267 of 304
Quote:
Originally Posted by OregonYeti View Post

I got a big surprise--I was offered the job today. Thank you for the good wishes.
 


Hooray!!!!!!! Great to hear it
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
 Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Robert A. Heinlein

 
post #268 of 304
Congrats, Yeti! 
post #269 of 304
Congrats OregonYeti!!!! Your great news made my day much better!
It's a wonderful thing to be spoiled in the way of food.
It's a wonderful thing to be spoiled in the way of food.
post #270 of 304
Congrats, Yeti!!!!!   When do you start?
OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
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