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No longer keeping the peace!

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
I know I've posted a few of these pseudo rants about my mother's boyfriend but things have gone to new heights.

He recently had surgery for cervical mylopathy (sp?) and is now on a lot of medication which is play havoc with his already unstable mental state. Back track, hes done cocaine, hes got major financial issues that got mom tied to it, hes seriously insecure, and now hes on disabilities with way too much time on his hands. All his problems have been trusted on to us and this has been going on for nearly 20 years and in all that time, I've kept my mouth shut. Mom wanted me to keep the peace so I bit my tougne and bottled up all my anger and frustration till a few weeks ago. He apparently took...get this...beer with his medication which includes anti-depressants among many other things. He went on a f**king rampage that night and I yelled like I've never yelled before to the point where the neighbors called the cops. I'm to the point where I can no longer control myself.

Solutions. Options are very limited. The loan is somewhere in the $100k zone and whatever happens to that loan, it effects mom because she stupidly co-signed it. The man won't leave because first, he can't afford to and second, life here is just too freaking easy since he does nothing. He won't listen to us, his friends who now are as fed up as we are, nor the only daughter he keeps in contact with out of 2 other kids who have disowned him. I've thought of somehow having him committed to a mental institution but 3 or so doctors have apparently been trying to avoid that path. Should he declare bankruptcy, it would also ruin mom's credit rating and I'd have to be her main financial supporter which also means I'll have to give up this career since kitchen jobs are notorious for paying mostly in stress with a few pennies, and then theres him wanting half the house which was suppose to be mine since hes already squandered all my inheritance money.

The only way to fix things, that I can see, is to somehow remove mom's name from that d*mning loan. Then he can't threaten to not pay it and screwing us in the process which he always pulls when threatened to leave.

I seriously can't take this anymore and my reactions to him are only going to get more violent...I don't have any money saved up anymore so I don't think a lawyer is a path I can take right now. I especially can no longer take the sleepless nights when he constantly rambles on and runs around the house turning the lights on and off looking for some fictitious person lurking in the house or stalking from outside. Its currently 1:30am and its been going on for 2 hours.
post #2 of 11
Sounds to me like it may be time for you to move out to your own place. If the guy is making timely payments on a 100k loan(showing responsible behavior) it would be fairly difficult to have him institutionalized. You mother appears to be at least somewhat OK with the situation or maybe feels quite trapped and unable to change it so that leaves it for you to make a change, the most reasonable of which would be for you to move to your own place so you can have some peace and quiet.

If your behavior escalates, you will be the one to end up in jail or in trouble with the law. Neither of which will advance your career or do you any good.

You are at an age in life where taking care of yourself is the best way to keep you able to care for or help your mother.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.
post #3 of 11
Thread Starter 
Well its not like I haven't tried to. I'm earning $11.25/hour bringing in around $700 per 2 week paycheck, less during the summers when its slow and hours are cut. In Toronto, it doesn't get you much or anything at all, I've done the math numerous times. I don't know many others who'd be willing to bunk with and share the expenses either, moving isn't really an option right now.

Another thing is that I'm nearly to the point where I don't care about legal issues of my actions. I'm beyond sick and tired of him causing problems not suffering the consequences of his actions when we are, then demand respect after it all. I could only bottle up so much of that BS amongst his many other issues we've all had to deal with and not just me and my mom, his daughter, my uncles, his friends...we've all been a recipient.

He may be paying the loan, barely paying the principle from what I hear, but is it responsible to hang this over my mother's head? Another reason for committing him is that he sees things that aren't there. I've bore witness to this several times where he swears that he sees my mother (this is just 1 example) across the street running in and out of people's houses from the backyards wearing some red dress. The event gets far more detailed then that but this isn't the mindset of someone thats mentally stable.
post #4 of 11
This is my point exactly. Your at the point of really screwing yourself up, which in turn will cause your mother a lot of grief and heartache. Why would you want to do that to her? The best thing for both you and your mother is for you to keep your "sanity" or in other words keep your cool. The best way, IMO, is for you to get at least some time away from close contact with the situation. You need a break, some way, some how.

Courts won't care if he is threatening your mother with defaulting on the loan. That will be something they feels she should have considered when co-signing the loan.
Events like the red dress scenario will be of interest however, you will most likely need several people to bear witness to such episodes. Bear in mind that if you go over the edge with out bursts as you described your behavior in the OP, you begin to lose credibility as an objective withness with concern for the person you are trying to get committed. Which is another reason you need to get yourself to a point where you can keep your cool.

As I am sure you know already, your anger is based on the frustration, hopeless and trapped feelings you have with this situation. You need to find some way to generate a sense of hope of dealing with or resolving the situation. You need to find some way to not feel trapped and captive to the situation. All very easy for me to say via the internet. All pretty difficult for you to figure out in the reality of the situation.

Hang in there!! You can weather this storm.

Most sincerely, feel free to PM me if you want to talk more specifically.

jbd
post #5 of 11
Gotta agree with JBD, you don't want to see the inside of jail because that jerk got your clock wound up, remember, jerk-boy is just as anxious to get rid of you, as you him...... One stupid mistake and you'll be regretting it every time you get turned down at an interview--once you get out.


You only get one silver bullet to get jerk-boy committed, if you're not succesful the first time--have all of you t's crossed and i's dotted, you'll never get a second shot until he really goes berserk...


I'd really start looking to move out. It might take a while to find the right place, but put all of your energy into finding a place, not into fighting with jerk-boy. Your Mom chose the life she did, you choose the one you want, but don't let jerk-boy stop you.
...."This whole reality thing is really not what I expected it would be"......
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...."This whole reality thing is really not what I expected it would be"......
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post #6 of 11
Look into the committing options. It may be that he wasn't in his right mind when he signed that loan and that might nullify the whole thing. Might not too. On the plus side, if he gets committed, your family may be declared his ward which will give you control over his money.

I don't know what the laws are in canada, but it's quite easy to have someone committed for a three-day mental observation. If he's not bonkers, that temporary commitment might push him in the right direction.

Your mom should look into bankruptcy as well. Sounds like she can't cover the loan and that will get her off the loan while leaving it in his name.

Phil
Palace of the Brine -- "I hear the droning in the shrine of the sea monkeys." Saltair
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Palace of the Brine -- "I hear the droning in the shrine of the sea monkeys." Saltair
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post #7 of 11
I know it may not be what you want to hear that this point but I think that its not worth stressing over and if he doesnt want to sit down and listen to what you have to say and take it to heart, then f him he can deal with his problem on his own. I know that it isnt what you may want to hear but its true.

NO one is worth ripping apart a family relationship. NO ONE.

Sit down with your mom, you and her and talk it out maturaly, making sure not to get worked up. either of you. you are running out of time to figure it out before its to late.

No one is also worth you facing jail time.

Im 19 I have been with this girl for a year and a half and things are getting worse and worse for us as well (mainly me) I have morals and family is a huge thing for me, she has no family due to devorce and drug/drinking.

I know how you feel. PM me if you want to talk silently about it.
"Some of us Cook. Some of us Grow. All of us Eat."
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"Some of us Cook. Some of us Grow. All of us Eat."
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post #8 of 11
Thread Starter 
OK I found out that my work has this program that can direct me to an assortment of resources for financial, mental, health, and legal. I've got the number for this program and I'll be contacting them for at the very least anger management. As for the legal issues, my mother has been speaking with a lawyer and shes finalizing papers for turning the house over to me. I'm also hitting Vegas with a good friend whose been there through these issues with me but its not till August. Mother plus my uncles and I have all sat down discussing the issues at hand but I think his daughter needs to sit in on this as well since its a little bias even though she thinks along the same line as we all do and just as frustrated. But we've all come to the same conclusion of him needing to leave. But again, as this whole problem is just so complicated, whatever happens will screw us in the end which was my mother's fault with the co-signing of the loan.

I did hear from legal sources that should he declare bankruptcy, though it'll mess up my mother's line of credit for at least 5 years, the creditors will only go after him for payment...I don't know much of the legal system but I may look this up with a lawyer myself. Unless anyone here knows?

...trying to keep cool...trying to deal...Thanks for the responses

*EDIT* Moving out isn't much of an option either. Firstly, I can't afford to. And secondly, if I somehow could, the deed to the house is going to be in my name...hopefully soon. Now the house is mortgage free but I'll have to pay property taxes so with rent on top of that...yeah can't afford to. Plus if I leave, he'll win. I'm intimidating enough to occasionally keep him in line though it doesn't last very long obviously. Plus mom benefits from my monthly payments too, I don't live here for free unlike him.
post #9 of 11
Uh, Headless? What-tum, are you actually going to be doing in Vegas?
...."This whole reality thing is really not what I expected it would be"......
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...."This whole reality thing is really not what I expected it would be"......
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post #10 of 11
Thread Starter 
Nothing special really. This would be my 3rd trip there but its been a few years since I last went...Aladdin was still there which is now hotel Planet Hollywood which I wouldn't mind checking out. There were a few attractions on the strip I was thinking of hitting a second time like the wax museum and sharks reef. Plus I listed a number of hotels that I would like to eventually stay at and Treasure Island is one of them which is where I'll in August, Caesars and Bellagio of course but that'll be the day. I also want to hit Bouchons after watching No Reservations Las Vegas episode. This will be my friends first time in Vegas and pretty much his first time leaving the country...I'm trying to show the guy there is life outside Toronto and its a pretty interesting world out there and knowing him, he'll want to know about any "adult" places to hit on the strip. Besides, I had planned, arranged, and booked it all before all this crap started.
post #11 of 11
Sounds like you and your mom need to have a serious talk about what is going to happen not only to him and her but to you as well being that everything that happens between them effects you greatly.

Best of luck. :o

I grew up with my mom always telling me that with everything bad that happens good is right around the corner. Ive lived by that saying my intire life and have yet to find it not true.

Keep that in mind. :chef:

GO COOK THATLL RELEAVE STRESS!!!!!!!!!
"Some of us Cook. Some of us Grow. All of us Eat."
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"Some of us Cook. Some of us Grow. All of us Eat."
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