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Jokes

post #1 of 146
Thread Starter 
Hi friends.. Lets tart the lighter side of life... i invite everyone to post the known jokes over here for a healthy laugh....:D:D:D
post #2 of 146
Whoops..no jokes yet!

I came here hoping that I would find some cool jokes to laugh upon...

Well well...let's wait and watch...
post #3 of 146
Only slightly food related joke-

What was the last thing said at The Last Supper?












Anyone who wants to be in the picture must sit on THIS side of the table!
post #4 of 146

What's going on here?

A man, laying in his hospital bed, accidentally soiled his sheets.

He heard the nurse coming down the hallway, and not wanting to be embarrassed, he grabbed up the sheets and tossed them out the nearest window.

Just about then, a drunk was walking by, and the soiled sheets landed right on top of him. He flayed and frayed about, all tangled up in the sheets.

As it happened, a cop noticed the commotion and came over and said "What's going on here?"

The drunk promptly replied "I'm not sure Ossifer, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

doc
post #5 of 146

True Story

In a private girl's school in Washington, the girls, ages about 12-14, were just starting to try lipstick. So they'd gather in the restroom, trying out their lipstick and then planting little lipstick kisses on the bathroom mirror.

The custodian had to clean the mirror every night, and despite warnings from the principal, the lipstick kisses continued.

Finally, the principal called all the girl's and the custodian together in the restroom and said, "This has got to stop! Just so you can see how much work you're creating, I'm going to have the custodian show you how hard it is to clean this mirror every night!"

While the little princesses watched on, the custodian dipped his mop into the toilet basin and started to swab the mirror clean.

No more kiss marks showed up again after that!

doc
post #6 of 146

Why women are like apples on a tree....

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't
want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The
apples at the top think something is wrong with themselves,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to
wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave
enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap
out of them until they turn unto something acceptable to
have dinner with...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Reply
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Reply
post #7 of 146
well, deltadoc, them are gooduns--
and Jim stole mine--just got that the other day and I been looking for a few grapes, hehe
however, hope this don't get bleeped

two old dudes are talking, one said "I understand moose have sex 12 to 14 times a day", his friend repled " ****, I just joined the VFW".

I am a card carrying Moose memeber and a VFW supporter- but **** this is funny?

next,
Nan
post #8 of 146
So, an orthodox rabbi walks into a gastropub in Manhatten with a duck on his shoulder.

"Wow," exclaims the barkeep. "Where'd you get that?"

"Brooklyn," says the duck. "They're everywhere!"
They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
Reply
They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
Reply
post #9 of 146
Heaven or ****.....

Warren Zevon died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on
which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens
and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, Jerry Garcia, John Lennon,
Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite
instrument and begins tuning up. He walks up to Jimi and says,
"Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the
drums, and says, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four .. "
post #10 of 146
An old Jewish man was gravely ill and resting at home. His grandchildren came to see him.

Grandson Ben said, “Hello, Zadie can I do something for you?”

“Yes,” said Zadie. “Go tell Bubbie I would like some of her delicious rugelach that she is making.”

Ben went to the kitchen and told Bubbie, who replied, “Go tell Zadie he can't have any rugelach.”

Ben went back in and reported what she had said.

“You tell Bubbie I want the rugelach. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference.”

Ben went and told Bubbie, who said, “Go tell Zadie he can't have any. The rugelach is for the Shiva.”:D

(Shiva is the seven-day period of mourning following a funeral)
My latest musical venture!
http://myspace.com/nikandtheniceguys
 
Also
http://www.myspace.com/popshowband "I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." Rodney Dangerfield RIP
Reply
My latest musical venture!
http://myspace.com/nikandtheniceguys
 
Also
http://www.myspace.com/popshowband "I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." Rodney Dangerfield RIP
Reply
post #11 of 146
Why did the Jewish hijacker change his mind?






He didn't want to use up his free miles!

doc
post #12 of 146
Yew have yust received da Sven & Ole Computer Virus.
Because ve don't know how ta program computers, dis virus verks on da honor
system. Please delete all da files on yewr hard drive manually and forward
dis message to everyvon on yewr mailing list.
Tank yew fer yewr cooperation.
Sven and Ole
post #13 of 146
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks pastand looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a fewjoints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going toget a drink from the river.The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into theriver.A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a jointwith the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the riverwhile taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!" the Monkey looks down and says
"F**k dude. . .. . how much water did you drink?!!":smoking::D
post #14 of 146
^ :lol::crazy:
post #15 of 146
A new Publix supermarket opened. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.



When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.



The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


:lol:
post #16 of 146
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
post #17 of 146
Two blondes were walking along and came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde said "those are deer tracks".
The second blonde said "no...those are bear tracks".


And then the train hit them.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Reply
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Reply
post #18 of 146

Sexual Harassment

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
post #19 of 146

Water on the brain

Just came back from the doctor's office where I was told I have water on the brain. Great. Now, everytime the temp drops below freezing, it'll freeze and everything will will slip my mind! :lol:
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Reply
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Reply
post #20 of 146
Guess who I bumped into at the opticians yesterday...








Everyone!
post #21 of 146
Brave Blind Man

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
post #22 of 146

Sharing

My oldest son sent me an email with this joke attached:

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries,
one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then
he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching,
with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to
ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for
them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old
gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going
to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Reply
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Reply
post #23 of 146
how many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb

answer...One

Why just one?


'COS IT JUST FU**ING DOES ...RIGHT!!!
"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" Jo Brand
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"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" Jo Brand
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post #24 of 146
Just heard this one, attributed to Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife is such a bad cook that the flies took up a collection to buy a screen door.

And just for Bughut:

How many real men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None!
Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
Reply
They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
Reply
post #25 of 146
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi used to hang out together. They eventually decided they should all buy a car together to ride in.

The minister blessed the car. The priest sprinkled the new car with holy water. But the rabbi was hard pressed what contribution he could make.

He suddenly ran into the house and returned with a hacksaw and cut 2" off the tailpipe.

doc
post #26 of 146
A man decides to enter a silent order of monks. The Abbott tells the man that the monks are only allowed to speak once a decade. The man agrees. So 10 years go bye and they ask the man if he has anything to say and he says "My bed is as hard as a rock!" Another 10 years go by and again they ask the man if he has anything to say and he says "the porridge tastes like glue!' And so another 10 years goes bye and again they ask the man if he has anything to say and he says "I've decided to leave the order." The Abbott looks at him and says "I'm not surprised. All you've done since you got here is complain".
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
post #27 of 146
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

Petals
Réalisé avec un soupçon d'amour.

Served Up
(162 photos)
Wine and Cheese
(62 photos)
 
Reply

Petals
Réalisé avec un soupçon d'amour.

Served Up
(162 photos)
Wine and Cheese
(62 photos)
 
Reply
post #28 of 146
Wilmer and Mildred went to the state fair. Wilmer says, "Mildred, lets go for a helicopter ride. Its only $50 and we've come here 20 years in a row and you never allow us to take a helicopter ride. For all I know this may be the last year we can attend the fair".

Mildred replies "I told you 20 years in a row, No, Wilmer. $50 is $50."

SO the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation and approached them saying "I overheard you two and I tell you what. I will take you up in the helicopter for free on the condition that no matter what, neither of you says a word".

So Wilmer and Mildred thought it over and agreed. The helicopter pilot took them up for the ride of their lives. He performed every trick and helicopter antic that he could, but not a word was uttered. Finally, frustrated, he lands the helicopter and turns to Wilmer and says "I got to give you credit. Most people would have at least screamed at some of those maneurers I performed, but you never said a word. I'm very impressed."

To which Wilmer says "Well I almost said something when Mildred fell out of the helicopter, but then I thought $50 is $50!"

doc
post #29 of 146
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
post #30 of 146
:lol::lol:

@topic

DUMB BROTHER

Tessa was injured in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. After six months she woke up and found that she was no longer pregnant. Naturally, she asked the doctor to tell her what happened to her baby.
The doctor replied, "Well, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
Tessa became anxious as she didn’t think her brother was very smart.
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "So what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor. Tessa began to feel a little guilty about how she thought about her brother.
"Not bad,” she said. “I like the name Denise.”
She then asked the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."
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