I think any line cook who tires of hipsters will like this one:
How do you know someone is vegan?
Don't worry, they will tell you.
A young Chinese couple gets married in Irvine, CA. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss axe.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....'You want: "garlic chicken wif snow peas"?
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Senor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Dang! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the he&$? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Ping G30 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
VERY LONG SILENCE..............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."