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Jokes - Page 6

post #151 of 158

I think any line cook who tires of hipsters will like this one:

 

How do you know someone is vegan?

 

Don't worry, they will tell you.

post #152 of 158


Its no joke, but sitting on both sides of the table is recent. The painting had nothing to do with it. 

post #153 of 158
My employees...

The North Dakota Department government suspected a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.

Agent... Tell me about your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer... Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Agent... That's the guy I want to talk to! The mentally challenged one!

Farmer.. You are talking to him.
post #154 of 158

A young Chinese couple gets married in Irvine, CA. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss axe.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....'You want: "garlic chicken wif snow peas"?

Gebe Gott uns allen, uns Trinkern, einen so leichten und so schönen Tod! Joseph Roth.
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Gebe Gott uns allen, uns Trinkern, einen so leichten und so schönen Tod! Joseph Roth.
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post #155 of 158

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One pauses and says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

post #156 of 158

*

post #157 of 158
As the father of 4 ive come to despise vegi tales.
post #158 of 158

At dawn the telephone rings,
 
"Hello, Senor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." 
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead". 
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" 
"Si, Senor, that's the one." 
"Dang! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" 
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Roy." 
"Rotten meat? Who the heck fed him rotten meat?" 
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." 
"Dead horse? What dead horse?" 
"The thoroughbred, Senor Roy." 
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?" 
"Yes, Senor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." 
"Are you insane? What water cart?" 
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." 
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" 
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." 
"What the he&$? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" 
"Yes, Senor Roy." 
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" 
"For the funeral, Senor Roy." 
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" 
"Your wife's, Senor Roy.  She showed up very late one night and I thought  she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Ping G30  204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
 
SILENCE...........
 
VERY LONG SILENCE..............
 
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

Gebe Gott uns allen, uns Trinkern, einen so leichten und so schönen Tod! Joseph Roth.
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Gebe Gott uns allen, uns Trinkern, einen so leichten und so schönen Tod! Joseph Roth.
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