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Jokes - Page 2

post #31 of 146
Italian Confession





An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.





When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the *****. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week,
and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but
two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry
for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over ?''
They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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post #32 of 146
Mr. and Mrs Potato Head were crossing a street when a car comes careening around the corner, hitting poor Mr. Potato Head and severely injuring him. Soon the EMT's and ambulance arrive and take him to the ER. Mrs Potato Head, waits hours for some word of her husbands' condition, when finally the doctor appears. "Mrs. Potato Head, you husband was badly hurt. We did all we could, but I have some good news and some bad news". The doctor goes on "On the good side your husband did survive the accident. The bad news is he will be a vegetable the rest of his life".
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
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What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
post #33 of 146
So, what do you get if you cross PMS with GPS?

A screaming witch who WILL find you.
They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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post #34 of 146

The dirtiest joke I could ever tell at the dinner table.

An egg and a chicken are lying in bed together. The egg turns over and starts falling asleep. The chicken, in a short tone says "Well.... I guess that answers THAT question".
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
What a relief! To find out after all these years that I'm not crazy. I'm just culinarily divergent...
Reply
post #35 of 146

sorry...I know....its bad....

 

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

Petals
Réalisé avec un soupçon d'amour.

Served Up
(157 photos)
  
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Petals
Réalisé avec un soupçon d'amour.

Served Up
(157 photos)
  
Reply
post #36 of 146

Adopted Turtle Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

post #37 of 146

The Smart Monkey

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

post #38 of 146

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
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OK ... where am I going?.. and WHY am I in this handbasket??
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post #39 of 146

D'oh! that's just mean...ok funny and mean...

"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. "
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"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. "
Reply
post #40 of 146

Three Wishes

 

Three of the servers save up their tips to take a nice vacation on a cruise ship. A lovely time at first, but a tropical storm comes up and the ship is damaged and starts to sink. They manage to get in a lifeboat together and end up washing ashore on a small island. While walking along the beach to scout out the place, kicking the sand in frustration, they unearth an old, battered, oil lamp.

 

"Just like in the fairy tales" one says, as she gives it a quick rub. Sure enough, a cloud of smoke and there before them is a genie. "I have only 3 wishes to grant, young ladies. So, you will each get one."

 

He turns to the brunette. "And what do you desire, my dear?" She says "I wish I was back at home in Utah with my baby and my cats." POOF and she's gone.

 

The genie turns to the redhead. "And for you, my lovely?" With no hesitation she responds "I wish I was back at the restaurant with my friends and favorite customers." POOF and she's gone.

 

Finally, it is the blonde's turn. "You have the honor of the third and final wish. What do you desire?" She hems and haws a bit, scratches her head, perplexed as to what to choose. "Gee, this is difficult. I wish my friends were still here to help me decide."

 

POOF

 

 

Food nourishes my body.  Cooking nourishes my soul.
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Food nourishes my body.  Cooking nourishes my soul.
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post #41 of 146

This is the perfect thread to have some good laugh so i wanna share this joke I got in my email.

 

The Texan and the Irishman

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American 
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up 
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. 
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', 
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

post #42 of 146

I always thought of Mr.Bean when it comes to hearty laughs. I watched an episode on TV. He was buying some things at a grocery store and has everything in his inner jacket pockets. He's got some fresh fish, potato and others. He wants to buy a frying pan and brought out the fresh fish from his pocket to get the right size of pan. After that he got a peeler from the shelf and brought out his potato to check if the peeler peels well. Mr. Bean really has such crazy ideas and yet he tends to be so serious while doing all these. 

post #43 of 146

My hubby was staring at me earlier while i was in front of the stove waiting for the stew to boil. he was wondering why I was smiling and suddenly burst into laughter suddenly. It's all your fault guys; your fault for posting these cool jokes.. Keep posting!

post #44 of 146

....the only downside is you gotta get off to kiss 'em!              ....eh?


Edited by Titomike - 7/22/10 at 3:54am
"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
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"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
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post #45 of 146

An Irish priest, a Scottish nun and a Rabbi went into a bar and the barman said...

"Is this some kinda joke?"

"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
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"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
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post #46 of 146

So, a Russian, a Californian, and a Montanan meet at a club in Las Vegas and hit it off. So they decide to go out in the desert and do some serious drinking.

 

Once out there the Russian opens a new bottle of top-shelf vodka, takes a pull at it, and tosses the rest into an arroyo. The others look at him. "Plenty wodka in Mother Russia," he says.

 

The Angeleno pulls the cork from a chardenay, sniffs the bottle, takes a small sip, and tosses the bottle into the arroyo. "Plenty of wine in California," he says.

 

The Montanan pops the ring on a Coors, chugs it down, turns to the Angeleno and puts a .44 slug right between his eyes, grunting to the Russian: "Plenty of Californians in Montana."

They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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post #47 of 146

What did the hungry computer eat?

Chips, one byte at a time.

 

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

Close the door, I'm dressing!

 

Why did the student eat his homework?

The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

 

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells.

post #48 of 146
Quote:
Originally Posted by catering101 View Post

What did the hungry computer eat?

Chips, one byte at a time.

 

Dude....you shouldn't anthropomorphise about computers....they don't like it! 

"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
post #49 of 146
Quote:
Originally Posted by Titomike View Post



Dude....you shouldn't anthropomorphise about computers....they don't like it! 


post #50 of 146

Dude....you shouldn't anthropomorphise about computers....they don't like it! 

 

With 50 postings, Titomike, this has to be the funniest line in the thread. Thanks.

They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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post #51 of 146

Cheers, KYH    ....thanking Catering101 for the assist!    but...

 

CTtypically I have to disagree as it turns out, according to Wikipaedia, the world's funniest joke has already been posted by Oregan Yeti 
 


Edited by Titomike - 7/23/10 at 7:59am
"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
post #52 of 146

Well, like smut, funny is in the mind of the beholder.

They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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They have taken the oath of the brother in blood, in leavened bread and salt. Rudyard Kipling
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post #53 of 146

KYH    ...sorry about the dicking around up there but I just discover anchor tags.

 

Look out! I'm gonna start a thread...

"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
post #54 of 146
Quote:
Originally Posted by Titomike View Post

 

CTtypically I have to disagree as it turns out, according to Wikipaedia, the world's funniest joke has already been posted by Oregan Yeti 
 

 

Yup, that wasn't my own. My own are not as good--here's an example:

 

A blonde (or insert your preferred category here) goes to the doctor for recurring headaches. He picks up the prescription, gets home and takes a dose right away. He reads the information on the bottle, and then heads over to the babysitter.

 

He tells the babysitter that he needs to ask her a favor. He needs her to keep his kids there for a week if at all possible.

 

"Why?" asks the babysitter. "What's going on?"

 

"I have to take this medication for a week. There's a warning on it that says 'keep away from children'".


Edited by OregonYeti - 7/23/10 at 6:57pm
post #55 of 146

O.Y.  my wife laughed when I said I'm gonna be an internet comedian....she's not laughing now!

 

....she liked yours though!

 

btw...that line & the computer one are, of course, not original. Just took the opportunity to 'mask' delivery for a little more impact as ya do...   .

"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
post #56 of 146

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

 

post #57 of 146

I rang a suppository help-line today.....they were very rude!

"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans."
Allen Saunders, 1957.
Reply
post #58 of 146

bunny_thumb_normal.jpg

Look at the picture and think about it for a minute... it's funny!!

post #59 of 146

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up enough courage to tell him.

"We make our food; thereafter, our food makes us." - Winston Churchill (with a slight modification)
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"We make our food; thereafter, our food makes us." - Winston Churchill (with a slight modification)
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post #60 of 146

Took me ages Sarge. OH had to let me off the hook :)

"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" Jo Brand
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"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" Jo Brand
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