Quiet day.....so I thought I would share this.....
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
sorry... i blame it on mexican wifi! what's your excuse cheflayne?....... life's a beach!!!!!!
Cheflayne.....I just got that ! And I had a slow day.....to much on the brain.
@ ChefEd, I know your at the Outback tonight enjoying yourself, hope the food is good ( I am sure it is) . A friend sent me this video ( I love cats too, in fact the boss has 3 : 2 Maine Coons and one Ragdoll ) but when I saw this video, I thought of you...because dogs are smart to.
I know pepsi made it but I just burst out laughing when I saw this.
And for those of you who think its cute, I'm glad.
One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring'a me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at a big'a restaurant. The waitress bring'a me spoon and knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on'a the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheets on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheet. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on'a my bed. He say you better not sheet on'a bed, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italia.
CLEAN UP ON AISLE 12........
A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies
'Put them back, we can't afford them', demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.
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i saw this sign in a bathroom a few weeks back....
"practice safe lunch...use condiments!"........................gotta love this world!
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'
At the Easter morning services the pastor of the Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.
the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
The Worlds Thinnest books,
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
ALL THE WOMEN I NEVER SLEPT WITH
by Bill Clinton
PEOPLE WHO SCARE ME
By Chuck Norris
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book:
By Barack Obama
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during past Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again." (What softball?}
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?"
y Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
For not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Abbot & Costello on Unemployment
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people love Jesus.
Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must “really” love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled ‘JESUS CHRIST’ as loud as he could. It was like a football game with shouting, ‘GO, JESUS CHRIST GO!’
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must of been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling about a “Sunny beach”, and saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like, “mother trucker”, or mothers from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
1.If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3.The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5.A good box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6.If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7.If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8.Money talks. Chocolate sings.
9.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
10.Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit
11.Write "eat chocolate "at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.