Jokes - Page 4

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an ahole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

7. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido : All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

The Washington Post also has published this year's winning submissions to another yearly contest, in which readers supply alternate meanings for common words.

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

4. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

5. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

6. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

7. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

8. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

9. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

10. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

11. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms

   OK Baxter, bring me some Pizza.......................

Oxymorons are figures of speech combining contradictory terms.
**Military Intelligence
**Resident alien
**Advanced BASIC
**Genuine imitation
**Same difference
**Almost exactly
**Business ethics
**Twelve-ounce poundcake
**New classic
**Passive aggression
**Sweet sorrow
**"Now, then..."
**Synthetic natural gas
**Peace force
**Temporary tax increase
**Computer security
**Plastic glasses
**Terribly pleased
**Political science
**Definite maybe

Little Mary

 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" the Nun asked.
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted: "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
That's when the Nun fainted...
 

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the frack is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Frack off. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the frack would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No Richard nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fracking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know a$$hole, you fracking pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the frack?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fracking does!! What? Are they going to fracking do something that's longer?

Its Monday.....beautiful day.....

 

Thought I would share this video; the drummer does not seem to like the song that much , I don't know, what do you think ?

 

Drummer Steals the Show

Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. RAmen.

 

This one is worst:

 

 

 

HAH, that guy seemed really bored and could have done more! :)

I love it!!

 

 

 

 

This guy, is at the wrong gig

 

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!

I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
 

 

I think it was in the '70s that I heard this the first time. Still a great joke :) Then the one about "what's this fly doing in my soup? The backstroke."

 

I will show my age with another one: "Cannibal cook book: 101 Ways To Serve Your Fellow Man". That is from the '80s, as far as I know. Maybe older than that.

New Chinese cookbook: 100 ways to wok your dog

A new teacher was posted to a school,he was a stammerer.His first day in class,he decided to teach the students,Animals that live in water and on land.The first animal he wrote was crocodile.He asked the students to pronounce after him,cro.... coco...coco...cocodile and the students repeated after him,cro...coco...coco...cocodile.He said the they are stupid because they couldn't pronounce correctly.So he decided to write another one.This time he wrote hippopotamus,then he asked them to pronounce after him.He said hip...hip...hip and the students shouted HURRAY...and the class dismissed.

The sign says not to get on the bed. (this is a real water bed)...but who listens to signs today ?

 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0
 

Here is a new product idea.........

 

People pay ridiculous amount of money for Caviar, which is simply fish eggs!

Women don't use all of the eggs that their bodies produce.

When a woman dies, I suggest we harvest their eggs and sell them!

I present to you.... Cadaviar!
 

The Pastors family........

 

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."


Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen".
 

 

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM   1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.   2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.   3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.   4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......   Bubba, Me and Frankie Bobby, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter   joey

 

Thank god its Friday..............

 

 

Q:  What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A:  Anyone can roast beef.

Chef N Nod, I had to share that on facebook--I have friends from all over the world and that was great :)

 Thanks OregonYeti, I hoped they liked it too.
 

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God said that it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God again said that it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

 

I have plenty but i am too lazy to list them 

whoa....hahahaha

+1

A sales rep, an administrative clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. Just for the heck of it, they rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the administrative clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Christmas and New Year coming, we need some exercices. Here's a good one: