Just for laughs... - Page 2

A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She
browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her
little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As
she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day,
madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir,
what is the price of this lovely rug?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted
just touching it, you are very likely going to sh*t when you hear the
price."

I hope this doesn't offend anyone.


Mammogram Preparation

Many women are afraid of their mammogram, but there
is no need to worry.

By taking a few minutes each day for a week
preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally
prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right
in you home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and
insert one breast in door.
Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good
measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the
first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3AM when the
temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie
comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of
the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is
sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends over
night. Strip to the waist. Invite a total stranger into the room. Ask the
stranger to press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next
year and do it again.

You are now Totally prepared!

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, just smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it again, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want! Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a working chef. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is really cool."

:lol:

A culinary school student walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.

When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him, "Should I cut your pizza into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The student replies: "I'm feeling really hungry. I guess you'd better cut it into eight pieces."

:lol:

In a country ruled by cannibals, a brave and curious tourist stopped to read a sign in the window of the local butcher shop.

Artists' Brains $9.00/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12.00/lb
Scientists' Brains $15.00/lb
Restaurant Managers' Brains $45.00/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My those managers' brains must be delicious! They are obviously very popular!"

To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! The price reflects supply, not demand. Do you have any idea how many restaurant managers you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

:lol:

:lol:

zcook, are you sure that this joke is not for lawyers? :lol:

So it's LAWYER jokes you want? Sure about that?

A local lawyer had a horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked why it was mounted there, he replied that it was a "Good Luck Charm" that someone gave him as a gift to help him win his cases.

"But surely you do not believe in that superstition?" he was asked.

The lawyer said, "Of course not! Intelligent, educated people like myself never believe in such superstitious nonsense."

"But then why do you keep it?"

"Well," he said, "because I have been told that it works whether you believe in it or not."

:lol: ;)





NOTE: An interesting fact... This joke was derived from a widely published interview. The punchline was an actual remark about his own "Good Luck Charm" by (non-attorney) Danish Nobel prize-winner Niels Bohr.

Had enough? No? Well, if you insist.....

A mathematician, an accountant and a lawyer apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes! Four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question: "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the lawyer and poses the same question: "What do two plus two equal?"

The lawyer gets up, locks the door, pulls down the window shade, sits down next to the interviewer and, in a conspiratorial tone, says, "What do you want it to equal?"


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Common Phrases, With a Twist

Not entirely food-related, but very funny!

These are from the New York Magazine competition in which they asked competitors to change ONE letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it:



Haste Cuisine
(Fast French food)

Porte-Kochere
(Sacramental wine)

Harlez-vous français?
(Can you drive a French motorcycle?)

Cogito Eggo Sum
(I think; therefore, I am a waffle)

Idios Amigos
(We're wild and crazy guys!)

Veni, Vidi, Vice
(I came, I saw, I partied)

Veni, VIPi, Vici
(I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered)

J'y suis, J'y pestes
(I can stay for the weekend)

Rigor Morris
(The cat is dead)

Respondez s'il vous plaid
(Honk if you're Scots)

Que Sera, Serf
(Life is feudal)

Le roi est mort. Jive le roi!
(The King is dead. No kidding.)

Posh Mortem
(Death styles of the rich and famous)

Pro Bozo Publico
(Support your local clown)

Felix Navidad
(Our cat has a boat)

Quip Pro Quo
(A fast retort)

L'etat, c'est Moe
(All the world's a stooge)

Apres Moe, le deluge
(Larry and Curly get wet)

Fui Generis
(What's mine is mine)

VISA la France
(Don't leave chateau without it)

Ça va sans dirt
(And that's not gossip)

Merci rien
(Thanks for nothin')

Amicus Puriae
(Platonic friend)

L'etat, c'est moo
(I'm Bossy around here)

Mazel Ton!
(Lots of luck)

Aloha Oy!
(Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should
never know)



:lol:

(A few of the entries to the list were more than slightly risqué, so I deleted those before posting the text to this thread.)

Hahahahaha :lol:

This is very refined humor!!!!

Thanks for sharing

My dear zcook,
Very funny stuff.
Beware of the lawyers, They bite:p

No but really, I love laughing...don't do it enough however.
But I did after reading your posts ;)
much thanks zcook

We don't bite. We just scarre the pigs and cows...

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer. . .


A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, ''I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn.'' So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, ''There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.''

So, the Rabbi says, ''I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.'' A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow...

:lol: :lol:

:bounce: :bounce: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks...

Delayed reaction.....I sat there thinking where is the rest of the joke.....good....really good today guys. Thanks

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***hole.




:D :D

THE SILENT TREATMENT

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORTS OF CONTESTS!) (Teasing guys...)

"Martha's Way or My Way?"

MARTHA'S WAY OR MY WAY?
Martha's way #1:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a
year.
Martha's way #2:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
My way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake, you
are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.
My way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
My way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too **** bad. I made
it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
My way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
My way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.
My way:
Leftover wine?

Martha's way #9:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw
potato on the stains and rinse.
My way:
Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy
dispenser next to my sink.