Home cook here...
I don't mind people wandering into the kitchen, but I don't want them hovering so close I can't pull my elbow back without knocking the contents of someone's glass on the floor. My mother has this extra-bizarre horrible thing where she hovers and then mops up little spills on the rangetop --- WHILE IT'S ON. I mean, like I'm tossing a blazing-hot skillet over high heat and here she is poking her fingers almost into the flame with this disgusting little wet rag because there's a little dab of sauce on the pristine white. Weird weird weird. I now routinely drive these people away: just toss the pan while lifting the handle so you get that big gout of flame -- I know, you're not supposed to do that, bad form -- but it freaks people out and they flee.
I gave up cooking at other people's houses without bringing my knives or resigning myself to it. That also gets rid of hoverers, actually. Sure, I'll be happy to cook, here's this 11" chef's knife sharpened to a razor edge... hello? hello? where'd everyone go?
One thing I really, really hate is when someone asks me to come and cook, and we arrange stuff in advance, and they don't pay attention. My mother and mother-in-law are the worst offenders on this one. They'll basically buy all the stuff, and I come and cook it, right? But I show up and where I said I would need a stick or so of butter, it turns out all they've got is 2Tb in the little dish, covered with jelly and crumbs from toast. Or they thought they had black pepper, but I guess they're out, sorry. My personal fave on this one was when my plan included some rather intricate potstickers, and I must have asked my mother about five times if she had a nonstick pan (the buggers aren't called potstickers for nothing), and she'd always say yes. When I got there, it turned out that by "nonstick" she meant "Calphalon." Eh? "Nothing sticks to it." Errr.... you don't make omelets very often, I gather....
I also deeply hate certain kinds of tools. What moron invented nylon spatulas that bend so easily you can't lift a single portion of fish fillet? Who invented kitchen tongs made out of that stuff that's only slightly stronger than aluminum foil, so you try to turn something and the things just crush in your hands?
Last but not least, I want the people who set certain standards about home rangetops and countertops and stuff to be killed. OK? Look, you've got four burners, in a rectangle. If I put a pan on one burner, and a pot on the burner behind it, they both need to fit, OK? I'm not talking about gigantic crazy things, I'm talking about perfectly ordinary pots and pans. And this is not so old, either: my mother's stove from the 60s has more than enough space for quite big pans back to back, but all the normal decent stoves today don't. Who thought of this?
Oh yeah, one more. I can't stand people who want meat well-done, don't eat fish or seafood at all, and avoid all green vegetables. One of these things I can live with, but all of them together makes me furious. People like that also always turn out to be unwilling to try things: "I couldn't eat rabbit, that's like the Easter Bunny"; "lamb? eeeew, it's a baaaaby"; "duck? oh, I don't think I'd like that." So what do you eat, anyway? Just meat -- always "steak tips" for these people, I find, preferably incinerated on a grill by some half-drunk macho man -- and then baked or grilled chicken, hamburgers, over-sauced and over-boiled pastas, and lots and lots of junk like canned salsa. I wouldn't mind so much if these people would just say, "I don't really care about food, I just eat what I'm used to." But no, these people always get into discussions about how the food at this place was so good --- read, large portions, everything deep-fried, free CheezWiz liquid glop on top, lots of stuff labeled "loaded," and really big drinks.
Bleah. Now I'm all irked. Thanks a bunch.
