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Am I being bullied or do I just need to harden the hell up?

11K views 49 replies 29 participants last post by  leeniek 
#1 ·
I've started working in a kitchen doing entrees. The head chef does scream and swear at me during service, she once even threw a pan in my direction but this kind of behavior only happens during service and a lot of the time I understand that she is under a lot of pressure and being a beginner to the chef world, I deserve it when I make a mistake. 

Having said that, there is a sous chef at my work and on so many occasions he has passively belittled me ... maybe my language is already bias but let me reel you through a few scenes: 

Head chef: Word of advice, you need to learn a thing or two about speed

Me: yes chef, I know... thanks 

Sous: F****** hell if you worked in (insert head chef he worked with) kitchen then you'll be thrown out the bloody window by now 

Sous Chef: You've never plated up cheese before?

Me: No, sorry, I'm not here every day and I've never been taught by anybody to do that

Sous: Are you serious?

Me: Yes

Sous: Rolls eyes, omg, don't worry about it 

 There is other stuff that happens but I wont go into it ... I get nit picked on and yelled at during prep time from the sous chef. When I don't get yelled at I get a huge nag or lecture on leaning on the bench or minor things like that. I can take the yelling but the passive aggressiveness is kind of difficult. 
 
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#4 ·
Remember one thing, in this life we can only control how we treat people, not how others treat people. When I was moving up the ladder, I worked for two kinds of Chefs, Chefs I wanted to be like, Chefs I didn't want to be like. You now know what you don't like. There is  a lot of pressure in the kitchen during service time, some chefs handle it better than others. It sounds like you are doing pretty good with the yelling and belittling, have a stiff upper lip, believe it or not, you are building character.......take everything in stride...................the best............ChefBillyB
 
#5 ·
It is still communication.  Sometimes the kitchen can get pretty childish.  Some of you have kids, and you know they choose to express themselves in different ways.  It's worse with little boys.  They tell you they love you by wrestling and play fighting.  This may be their way of showing interest in you without telling you directly. 
 
#9 ·
I wrote after work, at a time of true annoyance... thanks, even though I am a girl, yeah maybe I should practice manning up a bit more. I can take aggressiveness- screaming, swearing, things being thrown at me, political incorrectness, insults and teasing/jokes about me... I just feel very annoyed by passive aggressiveness, I also hate criticism that doesn't really help you at all. Not knowing the way something is done - a cheese platter or a dessert due to my lack of time in that kitchen isn't a fault of mine - why should I be reprimanded for that? 
 
#10 · (Edited)
I just feel very annoyed by passive aggressiveness, I also hate criticism that doesn't really help you at all. Not knowing the way something is done - a cheese platter or a dessert due to my lack of time in that kitchen isn't a fault of mine - why should I be reprimanded for that?
While I don't choose passive aggressiveness to be a component of my personality, the fact is that some people do choose it. It would be a bit unreasonable of me, to expect everybody to model their personality on traits that I find attractive, so then why should I become annoyed when passive aggressive behavior is exhibited.

Not all criticism is constructive in nature. Some is purely for the satisfaction of the ego that is throwing it out there. Some is overboard and anal. Some is..etc. etc. etc. I can still learn from it even if it was not offered as a means of teaching me something.

The world is a big place and extremely entertaining. Make some popcorn and enjoy the show!/img/vbsmilies/smilies/chef.gif
 
#12 ·
I remember back in the day when the chef handed me a sizzle plate from the broiler, I grabbed it without a towel not knowing any better, I get second degree burns on all my fingertips and thumb. I got the price of the salmon i "ruined" because I dropped the plate deducted from my pay. I also got yelled at for being stupid enough not to grab everything with a kitchen towel. Still had to work a 10 hour day.  Ha the good old days....      If anything learn how NOT to treat people would be my advice, suck it up, it could be worse.
 
#14 ·
I remember back in the day when the chef handed me a sizzle plate from the broiler, I grabbed it without a towel not knowing any better, I get second degree burns on all my fingertips and thumb. I got the price of the salmon i "ruined" because I dropped the plate deducted from my pay. I also got yelled at for being stupid enough not to grab everything with a kitchen towel. Still had to work a 10 hour day. Ha the good old days.... If anything learn how NOT to treat people would be my advice, suck it up, it could be worse.
Wow, I don't think it's legal to deduct it from your pay these days.
 
#15 ·
Boy, are there ever some red flags in this thread-from both sides of the equation.

Traditionally, the professional kitchen has been an environment where many chefs view their position as similar to a military general or drill sergeant. Lots of screaming and yelling is supposed to motivate your brigade. I agree with this approach if you need to motivate people to rush into the battlefield and kill other humans. However, this is food service business we're talking about here, not war. I've always believed that the kind of behavior and "motivation" exhibited by your chef is counter productive to running a successful and profitable operation.

Don't get me wrong-I trained in this kind of environment and when I became an EC I followed this model for a while too. But this is a business for profit, and it didn't take long for me to realize that it makes little business sense to treat staff as an expendable supply when your biggest expense is labor. It takes at least 3 months to properly train someone, even if they are talented and somewhat experienced. There are many parts of the operation to learn and figure out how it all fits together. If a new hire is relatively inexperienced, it will likely take even longer for them to become an integral, contributing part of the crew.

For you, as a relative newcomer to the business, to be thrown onto the line making entrees without much training indicates that, from a staffing perspective, your chef is totally "in the weeds" and needs warm bodies to fill slots and probably has trouble keeping staff due to her behavior. This only adds to her stress because she's constantly got a staff that's only half-trained, she's having to fill in the scheduling holes herself, and is probably behind the 8-ball with other administrative duties. Consequently, she never has the time or flexibility to properly train her staff and clearly spell out what the expectations for the job are, how to achieve those goals, and monitor her staff's progress. Meanwhile, she has higher-ups that she's accountable to, as well. It can become a vicious cycle that trickles down to the other staff, hence the eye-rolling you get from the sous. It might not be about you not knowing how to do the plate a dish, but more about what is NOT being done from a larger, operational perspective and the additional load it places on him.

It can be very difficult to fix such a hostile workplace once it's established without some major changes initiated by the managers of the establishment.

That being said, there are some things you can do:

1-what's this about leaning on the bench? Are you leaning there waiting for someone to tell you what to do? or just leaning on the edge of the table as you prep. Either way, it's a habit you should break-RIGHT NOW! Contact from your clothes to surfaces where food is prepped can lead to bacterial cross-contamination and should be avoided.

If you don't know what to do, ask your supervisor what's next on the list-there is always something. If you are leaning on the bench as you prep because you are tired, get a better night sleep, stand up straight and pay attention to your posture. Good posture will give you more energy throughout the day and you'll be less tired at the end. It also communicates commitment and attention to the job at hand. Simple body language.

2-if your chef says you need to learn to speed up, ask what you should do differently to do so-but NOT in the middle of a rush. Ask her if you could spend a few minutes either before or after the shift to go over what works well for her and if she has any SPECIFIC advice about how to work more efficiently within the work station you're assigned to.

3-you can also spend some time educating yourself about the basic tasks you are required to do on your own. I'm amazed at the number of YouTube videos that will show you how to improve prep and cooking technique. But for god's sake, do not throw these at your chef during service. Pay close attention to how SHE does it and follow her example. Keep notes for yourself. Always keep a small notebook in your pocket to jot down things you need to remember until it becomes second nature.
even though I am a girl
This bugs the heck out of me. It indicates a kind of passivity an a mind set that believes you are unequal to the task or unqualified or less valuable, or something (????)-for the sheer fact that you are female. Spend no more time thinking this way and banish the habit. If it's in your nature to do this kind of work, you will learn it. You will need to make some changes to progress, but absolutely NO ONE drops into any job knowing how to do everything right away. It might not be the right environment for you, or restaurant cooking might not be the right culinary job for you, or the right vocation altogether. But you won't know until you give it a good try. And try you must, until you know for sure.

In your defense, no one should be throwing pans, or anything at you! Chefs who play stupid games to assert their position and "teach lessons" by setting up their employees to be burned should be fired. An effectively operated pro-kitchen is hazardous enough as it is. This kind of behavior increases the operation's risk and liability for injury to staff. If your staff is injured on the job, your liability insurance costs increase. Duh!!! Plus, you then are short-staffed AND/OR have staff unable to work effectively because they're injured, increasing labor cost. It's lose-lose from any way you look at it.

Chefs and supervisors, man-up yourselves and treat your staff with the respect you want. You're more likely to get it if you do.
 
#17 ·
I spent the early part of my career in kitchens like this & looking back i have a fond appreciation for it, when everything is please & thank you all the time it just breeds complacency, either way you will need this experience as it will shape how you decide to treat people in the future
 
#18 · (Edited)
Wow, I don't think it's legal to deduct it from your pay these days.
Only a few states forbid deductions for mistakes, etc. Federal law allows deductions for things like this, uniforms, etc, as long as it doesn't drop your wage below minimum wage. However, Federal law does not allow the withholding of paychecks for any reason which is a commonly abused tactic.
 
#20 ·
I just want to say a few things. 

First off, thank you all so much for putting in the time and effort to reply. Most of you say that I should harden the hell up and some of you say that having things thrown at me is unacceptable behavior. Foodnfoto, thank you for your lengthy response, I just wanted to say that yes, cheflayne is quite right, I am not saying that being a girl is the reason why I should not harden the hell up... It was was in fact a tongue in cheek response to being told to man up. Yes, leaning on the bench while I prep is a habit - thank you for your insights, maybe it was worth it for me to have been nagged at for leaning on the bench while I worked. 

I know that I need to work on speed, frankly my technique and my perception of urgency isn't always there in the kitchen. When it is, it leads to other people telling me to stop panicking and to stay calm, somehow striking that balance between being cool and collected whilst being fast doesn't seem to work with me ... yet. I entered this industry well aware of the fact that chefs, during their work are not always well behaved. I entered knowing and expecting to be screamed at during some points. 

I am deeply humbled and I do admire all your responses. It goes to show how seasoned you are in this industry (excuse the pun), for me I'm still learning and this is a true eye opener for me, being a person who worked in a very nurturing place (in music, were everything is laced with tact and over politeness, where the instructors are nurturing). If you have any advice for how you stay and keep doing all of this I would love to hear it. Right now I have returned to my music studies full time, I intend to finish my degree since already have completed half of it. I work part time in the kitchen and I feel that this doesn't help me at all in learning how to cook in a fast paced environment, I guess I'd thrive if I worked more hours, when I work, I feel like I'm starting from zero sometimes. 
 
#22 ·
first off , your a human. and nobody deserves to have pans thrown at them. dont stand for that stuff... the sous chef stuff is a little trickier.  I think the dude is trying to get you to take the initiative  on your own and have faith in your art... plate it up and have him tell you why your art sucks and then listen to sous chef talk shit... But honestly man, love that stuff... ive learned the most from the sous chefs ive hated...  be honest with yourself. if you think they are being harsh because they are sadistic then bounce, but if if you want to learn from them and have them running their mouths during your service then hang around. 
 
#23 ·
I can somewhat relate to your situation. I too am female and the first chef I worked for was extremely passive aggressive.  Before that kitchen the only "professional" cooking I had done was at a pizza joint.  I was hired by the sous because he liked my attitude, but I didn't have the knowledge or experience for the station I was put on (pasta, salad, deserts.)  The sous was wonderful and I trained with him in the mornings for two weeks before I started night shifts on my own.  But as I said, my general kitchen knowledge was weak.

I'm a fast learner, so I picked up the techniques fairly quickly.  But no matter how hard i worked, I would always get passive aggressive remarks from the head chef.  I remember one particular instance when I was making veg stock for the first time.  I gathered my mirepoix and did a rough chop.  The chef walks by and starts berating me in front of several coworkers for not peeling my carrots.  I tried to explain that I thought as long as the veg was washed, skin was fine because it would be strained anyway.  Then I was told that I would have to peel each individual chunk before putting it in the stock.  It was humiliating.  Our relationship only got worse as time went by.  Often I would cry at home after shifts.

I am glad it's over, but I learned so much about kitchen politics working there.  Chef Billy is right, you are building character with this experience. As a female in the kitchen, it is especially imperative to develop thick skin. Never, ever let them see you get upset.

I have a few words of advice.

Never lean on anything. Never sit on anything.  If you're not anticipating the rush to come in you should always be doing something, prepping, making sure you have your mise en place, cleaning, etc.

Move with purpose.  If your being criticized for moving too slow or appearing too frantic, then you are not moving with purpose and your head is cloudy.  Get organized, keep a prep list, follow through with each task before starting a new one.  Moving fast on the line is heavily dependent on how well organized and set up you are. 

Never give excuses under any circumstance, unless specifically asked for an explanation.  When a chef asks a question, they just want a yes or no.  Following up a yes or no with an explanation is irrelevant and often just pisses them off more.  So your sous asks "You've never plated up cheese?"  Correct response: "No, chef. Please show me how."  If your chef tells you to do something a different way than what your currently doing, "yes, chef" or "heard, chef."  No excuses as to why you did it wrong in the first place, they don't care.  This might save you some surly responses and eye rolls.

Finally, be a sponge. Learn everything you can from this kitchen and chef.  Once you feel like there is nothing more you can gain, leave.  You can't change their behavior in the kitchen, but you sure as hell can change yours.

Good luck
 
#24 ·
Yea i'm going against the grain here, nobody is gonna stand there and swear at me, talk to me like a man and you'll get the respect you deserve, or don't deserve, depending on how you treat and speak to people.

And if someone throws a pan at me, that's going to cause a physical response.
100% agree with this... 100000% agree with this... Ive never once in over 20 years seen an instance where the Chef or Sous screaming, yelling, throwing pots and pans and being a complete dick (or bitch) made a service period all of a sudden turn around and start running better and more efficiently and cause people to stop making mistakes. And if one of my Chefs or Sous from back in the day had ever thrown a pot or pan at me out of anger or "stress" they wouldve definitely gotten a physical response from me. Is being stressed out by a busy service and a few inevitable employee mistakes reason enough to lose all sense of professionalism and resort to child like temper tantrums and fits?
 
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