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Dis-R E S P E C T-ed

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 

I am a woman.

 

I am a cook.

 

I work with a great group of guys, including my Lead Chef.

 

While I was on-line a guy who was on 2nd shift told me not to touch his "****** tickets" I had been "touching tickets" all day putting them up and doing my job. I have worked with this A-O for 3 shifts (...usually he's at a different restaurant). I feel like I'm inheriting a problem child. He put his finger an inch away from my face as well and repeated "Don't touch my ****** tickets." and I told him if he did that again I'd bite it off. Needless to say I have a temper when I am disrespected... He has also told me things like "I'm not slicing *****!" I wish I could terminate him because he's poison but I can't. Chef and I talked and I apologized for loosing my temper. He understood. I was honest with him when he hired me and told him that I have a temper and don't like being disrespected. The other guy decided to come over as we were talking and I just said "You have a good night". The truth of the matter is that he is rude and probably just an A-O as mentioned earlier. I hate conflict at work. Day one that he started he was gunning for me. I don't want to be friendly with him, cooking is my job...not straightening out degenerates. Needless to say I wish I was a man because I'd wait for him in the ally and beat the snot out of him for disrespecting me that way. Frankly it frustrates me to think I'll see his face at work. I just don't want to let my anger and frustration limit me at work. I usually stay beyond my hours to help and love being productive and want to do and learn more in the restaurant. Chef is aware of what is going on...we touched base for like a minute. I don't want to draw this out...I also don't want to pretend everything is ok. I have brain stormed every idea from beating him up to providing him with psycho-therapy to talking to my boss. Any advice you have to offer that has any sort of substance would be great. I'm sure a lot of you have dealt with gems like this guy and I'd LOVE to know how you succeeded with out having to go to extremes. I really like everything else about my place of work. I haven't gotten into detail about what has happened between A-O and I with Chef. I've dealt with difficult people before but we worked it out and worked well together in the end. This guy really seems to hate women i.e. me. 

post #2 of 25

hi TrainMeUp,

 

I am a woman also so I understand how you must be feeling although it never has been as bad for me as you are describing.

But don't forget, in the kitchen, its still testosteron rules.

There are few females around so the men working there are not used to it, but that your chef is letting him come away  with it, thats an entirely different story.

Has chef talked to the guy at all about these matters? He should. He is the one who is supposed to keep the team together.

 

Of course you can try to bitch the b*st*rd off but don't think that would be helpful.

In the kitchen its important that everybody is able to do her/ his jobs, and you don't have to like every person working there.

But it should be workable for you anyways....

 

That aside, try to not take things too personally. And, try to find out what exactly the problem is, that he has with you touching the tickets.

Does he only do this to *you*?

It sounds like real childish behaviour to me with something else hidden behind it.

Show that you are standing above this behaviour, no matter how difficult, try to vent here or elsewhere but at work when dealing with him try to remain calm and communicative.

Guys like this need someone with brains and I am pretty sure you are smart enough to deal with him yourself, withouth having to go into threatening, beating up or other kinds of violence.

You are a woman after all!! Go for it girl, you will find a way to deal with this!!

post #3 of 25

This sounds like several experiences I have had over the years. I'll venture a guess that he is intimidated and feels threatened by you for some reason. That you are a woman has nothing to do with it and if you were a man, beating him up in the alley would not be the right response. Don't feed into his insecurity and don't react to it with a temper. He is operating from insecurity based on things that you have nothing to do with. 

     Your "Have a good night" was the correct response. The less you respond in kind  the more you isolate the problem as his. 

If he is a jerk, everyone knows he is a jerk. Take comfort in knowing everyone sees his poor behavior. Pretending everything is okay is exactly what you should do all the time. Treat him just like you do everyone else. Be pleasant, non reactive to his poor behavior, should the opportunity come up, offer your assistance, just as you would anyone else, especially when you can do so in front of others. 

     The more you do this, the quicker he will clearly be the one with the problem and the quicker the chef will be able to sit him down and straighten him out. 

Eventually he will come around, quit or be fired. 

post #4 of 25

It may have something to do with you being a woman. It may have nothing to do with you being a woman. Either way it doesn't really matter nor does it change a thing.

 

Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down their level and beat you with experience.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrainMeUp View Post

" and I told him if he did that again I'd bite it off.

 

You disrespected yourself at this point.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by TrainMeUp View Post
Needless to say I wish I was a man because I'd wait for him in the ally and beat the snot out of him for disrespecting me that way.

 

A man might think and feel that way, but a MAN won't resort to that.

 

 

My advice would be to focus on your job. Why give the guy any more space in your head than you already have.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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post #5 of 25
Thread Starter 

Thanks for level headed responses. I will follow all of your advice. Much appreciated. Thanks.

post #6 of 25
If there is something i have learned is that it is a wasted effort to force others to change there mind , they have to be proven to be wrong. 

 

Just be the better person....

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Dr.Seuss

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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Dr.Seuss

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post #7 of 25

The best way to deal with a person like him is to keep your cool. Don't allow him to abuse you, but don't sink to his level either. Use Art of War tactics. Everyone has weaknesses, so do the best job you can, and work extremely hard not to eff up at work, ever. and when he does, don't lift a finger to help him get out of jams. That's how I handled the last jerk I worked with and I walked away unscathed, and with a smile every time. Most importantly don't be a drama queen. No one will take you seriously even if he is in the wrong.

“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.”
Oscar Wilde

 

 

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“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.”
Oscar Wilde

 

 

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post #8 of 25

Just be sure that if you decide not to bail him out of any jams, that the business won't suffer as a result. Nobody wins in that scenario.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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post #9 of 25

I usually enjoy watching these kinds of people implode , and they almost always do on their own. 

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Dr.Seuss

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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Dr.Seuss

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post #10 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheflayne View Post
 

 

You disrespected yourself at this point.

 

 

A man might think and feel that way, but a MAN won't resort to that.

 

 

My advice would be to focus on your job. Why give the guy any more space in your head than you already have.

Oh I wouldn't say that cheflayne.

I have had the genuine pleasure of taking a peer into the walk-in cooler, grab him by the shirt and lift his sorry a__ off the floor and tell him to straighten up.

Of course I was not the Chef and I denied the whole thing.  They guy quit within a week.

post #11 of 25

A very wise man once told me that if I would stop polishing my buttons so bright, it would be harder for people to find them to push.  Or something like that.

post #12 of 25
So how come the chef isnt dealing with this fellow? Being disruptive and confrontational in my places will get you tossed if you dont cool your jets.
post #13 of 25

chefross, you're COOL!

post #14 of 25

Reading what you wrote, I see no reason to believe he is treating you this way because you are a woman.  It sounds like he would act this way whether you are male or female, unless there is more to the story than you told.  To me he just sounds like an inmature control freak.  Unfortunately, you will run into these people (both men and women) regularly in this business and you will have to learn how to deal with them.  Oftentimes these types will work themselves out of the kitchen quickly as they tick off the chef or disrupt the cohesion of the line.  Other times though, chefs will tolerate these jerks because they can cook their butts off and they get the job done no matter what.  In those cases you have 3 choices, learn to live with it, figure out how to tame their approach, or quit.  And sometimes his people act this way at the beginning because they feel they have something to prove.  In his mind maybe, you messing with the tickets was your way of saying that you can't handle it, let me help you.  Or he could just be a jerk.

post #15 of 25
Thread Starter 

He doesn't treat anyone else this way. Everyone sort of loses their usual chatter around him which tells me that they don't care for him. I do believe that he would NEVER have put his finger in one of their faces and I do believe that it has a lot to do with the fact that they are all men (they are some big tough guys, this guy isn't very big in stature...doesn't seem healthy either). He has done it to me and tried to intimidate me in other ways as well even tried to get me to do his prep work... The posters that are encouraging me to keep my standards up are spot on. Woman or not I am there to do my job, which I enjoy. And I enjoy all of my co-workers as well. Keeping the big picture in mind will help. I think this guys actions would bother anyone...I just happen to be a woman and one with a temper at that. My Chef has my back. After all he hired me knowing well that 1) I have a temper when I am disrespected (I told him straight up). 2) That I am obviously a woman and 3) that I will work hard for him, my team and our customers. If I need to bring it up I can talk to him but he's worked with this guy before and is probably aware of what is going on it just stinks having negative tension in the work environment when he is around. Hopefully like others have said it will work itself out. Don't want to get brought into this guys issues whatever they are so I'll just focus on bringing 110%+ everyday.

post #16 of 25
Thread Starter 

Lagom not sure but I trust he'll handle it. I'll do my part by doing my job and keeping cohesion up. I'll keep you posted because it might take some time to get this worked out. I am going to learn a lot through this process so I look forward to seeing what happens. I'm not going anywhere though. In fact I talked to Chef about picking up more hours a week or two ago. I'm going in early tomorrow. 

post #17 of 25

so, I was thinking about you. how are things going now?

post #18 of 25
Thread Starter 

Hi Soesje,

 

Seems good no more issues like the one there was. The guy hasn't "changed" because he has a rough personality type (I'm not the only one that has issues with him) he talks poorly about female chefs and what not...

 

All in all I go in and work my hardest every day. Lots gets accomplished and I have more hours and freedom because of it. Like some of the other posters have said he'll be his own demise. There is a good camaraderie in the kitchen otherwise. Everyone communicates well. I'm definitely not trying to be his buddy. Everyone works together so it's good. I've talked to a female executive chef in person and she has been a wonderful mentor and is well respected by the community and my lead chef so it has helped me a lot. 

 

Thanks for following up. I'm sure this won't be the last instance like this I come across. The advice everyone shared with me helped a lot. I tend to take things personal but he probably doesn't know or care to process things like the rest of us. We do greet each other respectfully and have been positive which makes it easier. If he feels insecure or negative I can see there being problems at work because of the way he processes. At the end of the day it's on him how he processes and disrespecting me isn't the answer.  I'm glad I stood up to him. Maybe I'd change the delivery...but I'm glad I took a stand non the less. The Executive Chef sees the big picture and has let one employee go already and I'm sure if this guy keeps at it he'd do the same. Most people like working at the restaurant though so 90% of them are very positive people. 

 

Thanks again. 

post #19 of 25

Hi TrainMeUp

 

I think you handled this extremely well.

The road is full of challenges to meet and this was a good start.

Think you will do allright.

Asocial people are everywhere so also women-unfriendly types in kitchens who still seem to think its a male world.....

How wrong they are ;) ;) and so they meet US on their way.....hehehehe.... 

Keep going girl!!! Womenpower to you!

post #20 of 25

Sounds like you are taking the high road and that things are working out. That is great. They usually do if we manage to stay out of the way and let them.

 

I recently experienced a similar situation at work except the genders were reversed. Her demise was self inflicted and finally came to pass when she finally lost it one day with me, but this time in front of the boss. We have a zero tolerance policy on abusive behavior, but this time it wasn't a he said/she said situation. It was a well witnessed and documented scenario that can back up our defense in these litigious times that she was creating a hostile work environment in case the EDD comes calling.

 

The one bad apple is now toast and the whole atmosphere has improved. Amazing the ripple effect of one negative person. We are back to being all happy campers that interact well together.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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post #21 of 25
Thread Starter 

Same happen here. The guy did a no call no show and that was that. 

post #22 of 25

so, problem solved itself? ;)

post #23 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete View Post

Reading what you wrote, I see no reason to believe he is treating you this way because you are a woman.  It sounds like he would act this way whether you are male or female, unless there is more to the story than you told.  To me he just sounds like an inmature control freak.  Unfortunately, you will run into these people (both men and women) regularly in this business and you will have to learn how to deal with them.  Oftentimes these types will work themselves out of the kitchen quickly as they tick off the chef or disrupt the cohesion of the line.  Other times though, chefs will tolerate these jerks because they can cook their butts off and they get the job done no matter what.  In those cases you have 3 choices, learn to live with it, figure out how to tame their approach, or quit.  And sometimes his people act this way at the beginning because they feel they have something to prove.  In his mind maybe, you messing with the tickets was your way of saying that you can't handle it, let me help you.  Or he could just be a jerk.

If any Person working behind the house is that Belerant
More them on...it effects everyone's Attitude & Performance...
No matter what level...if its an Owner...
Move on...


Its Bubba
"Stubborn In Your Bones"
post #24 of 25
Thread Starter 

No need Bubba, but thank you. The guy decided not to show up to work. Work is great and I'm not planning on going anywhere. Thankfully it worked itself out. 

post #25 of 25

Awesome!!!!

 

"Stand Tall" Be your own Idenity and Respect others until they cross the Line...

 

Stop Smiling like that...:peace:

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