I want to be a chef, so badly… but not just any chef, I want to be the best. I just don’t know that I’m good enough… Today, I got sent home, four complaints on dishes in one hour… I hate admitting it, I hate having to face it, but I suck. I have never been sent home, from anything like that. And I can’t even be mad, because I deserved it, I don’t think I even deserve to be in a kitchen 90% of the time, but today, today it was worse. I thought… I could handle it, I thought, I could be tough enough, but today I can’t tell if I want to cry, or vomit, or scream… I haven’t been cooking long, not even a year yet, and I'm on one of our main stations, but the excuse feels so weak. Like if I can’t step up when I need to now, how can I turn around and act like it will be different any other day. It was busy, but I just couldn’t do it, and now I feel like I should just give up, not because I can’t handle it, but because I feel like I’m dragging everyone else down. When I went back to the kitchen to tell them I was sent home, I wanted to just stay and try to fix things, but I felt like I was just helpless.
Even worse, is that I got this big time internship, one of the best restaurants in the world… said I could come and work in their kitchen for 3 months… Why? Why did they even accept my application? I have been thinking this for months now, ever since I got it… I can’t even make it at as a line cook in the restaurant now, how am I going to manage a stage at a place like that… a place with Michellin stars, a place that gets voted best restaurant in the world?! They are going to end up laughing me out the door on my first day… and I’m going to have to come home from a foreign country and look my friends and my family in the eye and say what? I’m sorry? I’ve wanted so badly to just email them and say, I think you made a mistake… but I’m already so committed that how can I pull out now? I just don’t even know what to do with myself… I want to just work harder, but it isn’t that I don’t try. I’m one of the first people in every day, and one of the last to leave, but sometimes it’s just good enough.
I felt like I had to get this out, but I couldn’t do it where I knew people would see it and feel bad for me. I don’t want my friends to feel bad for me, and or my coworkers to act like my chefs a jerk. I don’t blame him; I blame myself more than anything. I just feel really beaten down, and like I’m making a mistake doing what I’m doing. I don’t know I just needed to get this off my chest. How do you deal with feeling like you just can't succeed in a kitchen?