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A joke - really!

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
CC - This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands - I copy silly jokes from other sites!:D

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.

And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

> > >

> > >

> > > (are you ready?)

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > (are you sure?)

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > (are you really sure?!)

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

Sorry!


_
:D :D :bounce: :bounce: :roll: :roll: :roll:
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post #2 of 20
Truely demented aren't we !!??

:bounce: :bounce:

I think I need a Ketel One
Baruch ben Rueven / Chanaבראד, ילד של ריימונד והאלאן
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Baruch ben Rueven / Chanaבראד, ילד של ריימונד והאלאן
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post #3 of 20
A guy goes to his doctor

Man : Doc, I've got a problem
Doc : what seems to be the trouble
Man : well, I've got a lettuce leaf growing out of my butt
Doc : What !!, you must be kidding
Man : no, seriously
Doc : well let me take a look
the doctor exams the guy and says........


My Friend, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
post #4 of 20
CoolJ,

gotta love them food jokes.

I know I have one somewhere about a rabbi and a preist. Gotta go ask my Dad ;)
Baruch ben Rueven / Chanaבראד, ילד של ריימונד והאלאן
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Baruch ben Rueven / Chanaבראד, ילד של ריימונד והאלאן
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post #5 of 20
The Rabbi and Priest Joke, as I know it.

A rabbi and a priest are talking about their various vocations. They turn to the various restrictions of their beliefs. The priest, teasing the rabbi asks if the rabbi has ever had pork. Yes, he sheepishly admits that he has had pork.

The rabbi, not to be out done asks if the pries has ever had sex. The priest quietly confesses, "yes, I have done it once." The rabbie elbows the priest in a friendly way saying,








"Beats the heck out of ham, don't it."

Phil
Palace of the Brine -- "I hear the droning in the shrine of the sea monkeys." Saltair
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Palace of the Brine -- "I hear the droning in the shrine of the sea monkeys." Saltair
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post #6 of 20
Here's a groaner for you...

Tunnel Driving


A group of office co-workers decided one day to share a ride to work.
What they did not realize that they also shared the same fear -
claustrophobia.


As they were driving through a mountain tunnel, all began to scream
wildly! The car went out of control, but finally, they were able to
slow down and pull over to the side of the road.


A psychologist, who was driving behind the car, saw everything, and
stopped to see if he could help. He immediately ascertained what the problem was...




They were all suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.



:p
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
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I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
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post #7 of 20
Two from my dentist:



Two vultures start board an airplane, each with two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them saying, "Sorry gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."



Two Eskimos sitting in a boat were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -- proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
"Notorious stickler" -- The New York Times, January 4, 2004
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"Notorious stickler" -- The New York Times, January 4, 2004
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post #8 of 20
Here is a joke that I learned back in first grade. Yes, it is a sad little joke, but you know....everytime I tell it, I still giggle like a little kid, so here goes


Why don't cannibals eat clowns?










Because they taste funny!!!
Sad, yes, but I am still giggling as I write this. God, I need to go to bed!!!
post #9 of 20
Thread Starter 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by one ear, grabs him by the other, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said POSSE!!!!"
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post #10 of 20
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


I've never heard that one, it's too funny!!
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)

M.E.A.T.
Mankind Enjoying Animal Tastiness
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Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)

M.E.A.T.
Mankind Enjoying Animal Tastiness
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post #11 of 20
I have...(from my mom :eek: )...but it never fails to crack me up.

Jodi
Jodi


I don't know about you but I think I need a nap.
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Jodi


I don't know about you but I think I need a nap.
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post #12 of 20
A lawyer is entertaining his Checzoslovakian client at his lakeside cabin one weekend. One day the went for a walk in the woods and out came these two bears, a male and a female, and anyway the male eats the checzoslovakian fella, and the lawyer runs home frantically to call the warden. So he brings the warden back to where the bears are tells him the whole story, says the male ate his client, so the warden shoots the female, the lawyer was like why the heck did you shoot the female I told you the male ate my client, right. said the warden, would you believe a lawyer if he told the 'check was in the mail' ?
post #13 of 20
As long as we have already crossed the "adult" line I will offer up some Alaskan humor.

An eskimo was returning from a hunt on his snowmobile when the engine blew up, covering him in engine oil.
He got off the machine and walked the next few miles in the village.
When he got to the village mechanic, the mechanic took one look at him and said "Looks like you blew a seal!..
The eskimo looked at him with a confused look on his face and said........"No, my engine blew up!:D :bounce: :D

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you catch a Polar Bear?

(1) You cut a hole in the ice.

(2) Open up a can of peas and place them around the hole.

(3) When the Polar Bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My latest musical venture!
http://myspace.com/nikandtheniceguys
 
Also
http://www.myspace.com/popshowband "I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." Rodney Dangerfield RIP
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My latest musical venture!
http://myspace.com/nikandtheniceguys
 
Also
http://www.myspace.com/popshowband "I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." Rodney Dangerfield RIP
Reply
post #14 of 20

pork anyone?

Hope you guys get it......lmao



This man pulls up to a farm wanting to buy a pig. He sees the farmer outside and speaks with him.

The farmer says, "I sell em by the pound", and calls his little boy.
The boy comes running out of the barn and stands right next to the pigs.

Farmer says, "Pick one"

The man looks at the pigs and points to a plump one.The boy extends his arms out, opens his mouth and picks the pig up by the tail.

"8 pounds", the boy mumbles.

The man looks at him funny and points to another.Again, the boy picks the pig up by the tail with his mouth.

"10 pounds", the boy mumbles.

The man looks at him in disbelief and points to another.The boy again picks the pig by the tail with his mouth.

"15 pounds" the boy mumbles.

The man looks at the farmer and says, "How in the world can your boy know that?"

Farmer says, "Family trade, it's been passed down for generations" and pulls out a scale from the barn.The Farmer weighs each pig and sure enough the boy's weights were accurate.

The man looks at the Farmer in disbelief and says, "ok, I'll take the 15 pound pig, how much will it be?"

The Farmer points him to his house and says, "the wife's inside, she handles the pricing".

So the man walks into the house and comes storming out.
Panting he says," I'll come back later".

The Farmer looks at the man and asks, "What's the matter?
>
>
>
>
The man panting says, " I'm sorry but your wife is in there weighing some man.:lips: :lol: :lips: :lol: :lips: :lol: :lol: :lol:
»°Tïñmãñ°«
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»°Tïñmãñ°«
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post #15 of 20
A ham sandwich walks into a bar ,plops down on a stool and says "bartender
gimmie a beer". The bartender replies
"Sorry buddy we don't serve food."


A horse walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender comes up to him and asks
" So why the long face?"



Sorry I couldn't help myself.
post #16 of 20

lmao

omg......for some reason.....that one just cracked me up......*falls off chair laughing*:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
»°Tïñmãñ°«
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»°Tïñmãñ°«
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post #17 of 20
and now for a little true life food humor:
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED for ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP Headline)


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
in-laws and
while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.


Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up
and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of
her head.


One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and
she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied
that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been
holding her
brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who
broke into
the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to
remove her
hands from her head.


When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread stuck
to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from
the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and
the wad of
dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back
to find out
what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.


She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
hold her
brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid.
post #18 of 20
Sorry, the biscuit thing is an urban legend. Never happened. No evidence, no witnesses.

http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/biscuit.htm

Origins: In 1994 comedienne Brett Butler (of Grace Under Fire fame) was using the Biscuit Bullet story in her act, telling it as something that had befallen her sister. Butler is likely not the origin of the tale though; half a year earlier the same story (minus any mention of Brett Butler's sister) was being pointed to as a cautionary tale in a newspaper article decrying urban violence.

People in show business have been known to tell urban legends as events that happened to them. Especially in the world of comedy, personalizing a story becomes an ordinary storytelling device. (Folklorist Jan Brunvand liked to show his classes a tape of Johnny Carson's telling the resurrected rabbit story, then another from about two months later in which the late Michael Landon is seen telling the same story to Johnny. Both Landon and Carson at least start out claiming it happened to them or a close acquaintance.)

Though there are no verifiable Biscuit Bullet occurrences on record, the story has at various times been presented by the media as a true story. In May 1996 a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel ran it as a true story just dripping with fabulous details in which the daughter of a reliable source had come to the aid of the stricken lady. Within the day a number of readers had contacted him to point out this was a well known urban legend, prompting the columnist to check a little further with his source. Oops; turned it hadn't happened to the man's daughter at all but to one of her clients. (At this point, one expects the "friend of a friend" chain to continue to stretch out indefinitely as each new link contacted will correct the misinformation of it happening to her, pointing to yet another person further down the line as the one it really happened to.)

In January 1996 a writer for the Fresno Bee slipped it into an article about urban violence. Again, it had reached him as a true incident related by someone he'd been talking to about gun-related issues. In April 1998 the story showed up in the Knoxville News-Sentinel, this time told as a very detailed account of an event that had befallen a truck driver (again as the rescuer, not the victim). In April 1996 a columnist for the Denver Post ran it as a cute story he'd been hearing a lot of late. Though this fellow went to great lengths to make it clear he was relating it merely as something he'd liked enough to want to share with his readers and he didn't believe a word of it, that newspaper appearance no doubt added to the story's credibility. (It's sad but true -- even newspaper articles debunking urban legends are later remembered as news stories in which the incident was reported as 100% true.)

This legend popped up again on the Internet in early 1999 as a true "dumb blonde" story, attributed to the Associate Press.

Underlying this humorous story runs the fear of modern crime's engulfing the innocent, resulting in the undeserving's becoming just another drive-by or random shooting statistic. That the loud bang of a canister of biscuit dough exploding in the heat would be mistaken for gunfire says a lot about our feelings of vulnerability.

The "food substance on the head mistaken for brains" motif is not new to this story. In Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn, Aunt Sally says about Huck, as the purloined butter hidden under his hat begins to drip down: "He's got the brain fever as shore as you're born, and they're oozing out." In more traditional folklore, a fox puts milk and butter on his head and convinces a bear that he has had his brains knocked out. In a Russian version the fox puts pancake dough on his head and says it is brains. While these stories do not seem like the origins of the biscuit bullet tale, they certainly establish that the basic idea existed in folklore long ago.
Palace of the Brine -- "I hear the droning in the shrine of the sea monkeys." Saltair
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Palace of the Brine -- "I hear the droning in the shrine of the sea monkeys." Saltair
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post #19 of 20
and all along i really thought it was a joke.
post #20 of 20

Its time for a cheesy church joke!!

(Bear with me- I play the piano for a church choir, so I hear some dorky jokes)

A Baptist minister was preaching against the "horrors of alcohol" one Sunday morning. He said, "If I could, I would take all the whisky in this town and throw it in the river."

"If I could find it, I would take all of the gin, bourbon, and scotch and throw it in the river, so people would return to God."

"I would dump all the beer and wine that stops our people from making it into church on Sunday mornings straight in the river!"

With a passionate fist pounding on the pulpit, the sermon ended. The choir director stood and announced, with a sheepish grin, "Let us stand and sing the closing hymn. Turn to #53, Shall We Gather at the River."

*************

~~Shimmer~~
"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea"
- Henry James
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"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea"
- Henry James
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