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Choosing a relationship or the career not sure what to do?

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
Big decision
So i will try and keep this brief but give you as many details at the same time. Im 24 years old and have been livening in Raleigh NC for the past 2.5 years. I live with my girlfriend of seven years who moved in with me shortly after i moved down here from NY. She has some family close by and wasn't loving her job in the big apple when i was leaving so i knew she wouldn't be long after me. It has been great living with her. I mean we have our issues but every couple does. With the time iv been off lately iv been spending a lot of time with her i know she is THE ONE. But I moved down here to work under a mentor of mine i had during culinary school who made a bunch of promises about how good it would be to work here and how he could teach me so much. Well it didn't work out as i hoped and he had promised however i did grow in my career and definitely learned a lot. However after this chef moved on to better things (without really a heads up) i left the property as well. I wasn't really happy there and without my mentor i didn't see the point i wasn't there to learn and work for the sous chef (who was not qualified at all) i picked up my life and moved for my mentor. Now months latter my mentor is offering me a great opportunity. A sous chef position for a highly regarded resort where i would be working alongside him in opening and operating multiple outlets through out the property. So a lot more responsibility but the pay is right and im up for the opportunity and the challenges. However this resort is 6hrs from where i live and my girlfriend does not want to move... she has moved once for me in the past and does not want to do it agin. I totally understand where she is coming from, i love our place i love our city and i love that we have family close. But now that i know this opportunity is out there i cain't forget about it .. going on interviews and looking at job postings don't seem to pop at me as much as this offer does. But im so invested into both the job offer and my relationship. I worked 7 years to get to this point me and my girlfriend are at. Lots of long distance and heartache and even more great times wonderful memories. But i also missed out on a lot because i was so invested in my job. I worked for my mentor and the company for a combined 3.5 years. Never late, never called out, always early stayed late whenever i had to without being asked worked every holiday, anniversary and birthday. Even clocked out and continued to work to make sure my mentor didn't catch any flack for labor. So to do all that and then sat no when they offer this great opportunity is hard. However taking a giant step back in my relationship and possibly losing her doesn't seem right either

Pleas offer any advice your have or even what you would do in the situation.. I understand no one can make a decision for me but im hoping to get others perspective. I also apologize for the horrible spelling and grammar lol. Thank you in advance !
post #2 of 10

Sounds like a whole lot of being walked all over by your "mentor" that walked out on you once already.

Think about what's important to you, then make a list by priority.

Then sack up and make a decision

Apprentichef - Six stitches to go home early and you can't die until your shift is over.

 

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Apprentichef - Six stitches to go home early and you can't die until your shift is over.

 

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post #3 of 10

Every relationship has it's ups and downs - work relationships (you and your mentor) and personal relationships (you and your GF).  At 24, you've been with your GF for 7 years - since you were 17.  You are still growing and changing as a person and, assuming your GF is the same age (about), so is she.  There are no guarantees in life - your relationship may succeed or it may not.  You moved to NC first, she followed - she has family in the area so for her it was a move with little risk (meaning if your relationship didn't work out, she had family in the area).  If she had a job offer in a different city, would you go with her? Would you think twice about it or not look back? 

 

Your mentor is just that; a mentor. You will have other mentors in your career.  I'm concerned that this mentor is really just using you for cheap labor - clocking out and still working so it didn't go against his labor costs bothers me a lot.  You weren't off the clock to learn something on your own time, you were working off the clock for someone who treated you poorly. But after 2.5 years, maybe it's time for a different mentor.

 

You could also give it 6 months in the new job and see how it goes.  You won't have time to travel to visit your GF because you're going to be working 80 hours a week so you risk your relationship.

 

Like Apprentichef says, make a list and prioritize it.  Good luck!

post #4 of 10

Forget the job, keep the girlfriend. 

As Jcakes pointed out, working off the clock was not mentoring, that was taking advantage of you. NEVER work off the clock. And learn to think twice about working for anyone who expects you to. 

Whether or not your relationship works out is one thing. But you will have many jobs come and go. Some will be better than you expected, others worse. There are endless things to learn about cooking and the restaurant business whether you have a mentor or not. So your career isn't coming to a screeching halt just because the last chef left town. 

post #5 of 10

The choice is yours.  Money is a green piece of paper.  Girls come and go.  But if you found a good one, keep her.  Although I would hold off on the ring as long as possible. And stash away at least 15 grand of throw away money that the wife doesn't know about if you get divorced. Being a chef is great because you can always find a job no matter where you live.  Jobs are jobs, its work.  As you get older its still a job and work. Not sure if you are one of those guys that thinks they are going to be famous and change the culinary world?  Usually those guys just work 80 hours a week and live and literally die for food???   It's the fun things and family that you spend time with not working thats real. 

post #6 of 10

Get the offer in writing that spells out all the details, especially when it comes to compensation.  If they will not put the offer in writing, that should tell you all you need to know to make a decision.  Remember, if it sounds to good to be true, it usually is. 

 

However, the problem is if they DO put the offer in writing.  Then, you have to make a decision. The offer in writing means they are serious and this could potentially be a great break for you.  But, its not without its risks.  Is this chef/mentor guy trying to get some "cheap labor" or take advantage of you, as some of the other posters stated?  Possibly.  But, there is nothing that says you can't take advantage of him or the situation.  If the resort is reputable and the offer is legit, you could end up with some very impressive things to include on your resume. 

 

As for the g/f, that's a tough one.  Again, if the offer is legit and they put that offer in writing, then you have a really tough decision to make (obviously).  But, consider this.....how many relationships that begin at 17 last an entire lifetime?  Not many.  Im not saying your relationship isn't important. What I am saying is that perspective about your relationship is often very elusive when looking at it from inside. 

 

If I was 24 and in your shoes with a job offer in writing as a Sous at a resort, I would probably take the gig.  

 

Oh, and stop working off the clock!!  

 

Good luck!    

In the immortal words of Socrates....."I drank what?" 
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In the immortal words of Socrates....."I drank what?" 
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post #7 of 10

Sit down and tell your girl this is what you have been working towards for the last 7 years. This is a position you really can't see yourself passing on. Tell her you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Being in this business is all about knowing how to balance your life. Tell her this is an opportunity you can't turn down and would love for her to come with you and help you accomplish your dream together. If you were  married with a house and three kids and her having a career job would be different. This is the time for you to grow and not pass up on job offer you feel would help advance your career........Good Luck........ By the way, I'm typing this the day after my divorce, my kids don't talk to me, I'm broke after getting out of jail from a DUI on my way to rehab after losing my job. But, I give good advice!!!!......Only kidding.......ChefBillyB

post #8 of 10

You should consider good opportunities when they come.  Of course, that doesn't always mean work opportunities.  It's also easy to think your shot will never come again if but it usually will.  I suppose you need to "play the tape" to the end and see where it could lead you.  Developing your career is a positive, and there are lots of ways to do it.  Creating a solid relationship can also be the bedrock you build your whole life on.

 

I too say get it in writing.  Best of luck to you!

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle
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"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle
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post #9 of 10

Would you move for her? Would you move a second time for her? What about a long distance relationship trial period of say a year? Could your relationship survive that?

 

I have been with my wife for 30 years, which is 6 times longer than I have been with any employer. Good life partners are much harder to come by, than good employers.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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post #10 of 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by hookedcook View Post
 

The choice is yours.  Money is a green piece of paper.  Girls come and go.  But if you found a good one, keep her.  Although I would hold off on the ring as long as possible. And stash away at least 15 grand of throw away money that the wife doesn't know about if you get divorced. Being a chef is great because you can always find a job no matter where you live.  Jobs are jobs, its work.  As you get older its still a job and work. Not sure if you are one of those guys that thinks they are going to be famous and change the culinary world?  Usually those guys just work 80 hours a week and live and literally die for food???   It's the fun things and family that you spend time with not working thats real. 

that 'you can find a job no matter where you live' is the key thing that stuck with me before i quit my corporate marketing job for this life.

 

although i had been learning since i was 20...the speed and efficiency and stamina came from working in real kitchens.

 

there's this element of innovation and entrepreneurship also that comes with being a chef..and me coming from business management education will one day like to build something of my own and a structure

 

for next 4 years, its about achieving consistency though and ability to manage the pass..thats when i know i am ready

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