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Cooking Humor
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Beef Stock
!0# beef bones
2 onions, cut in half
6 carrots, peeled, cut in half
3 stalks celery
1 tsp whole peppercorns
3 bay leaves
5 gal. cold water.
Brown beef bones and vegetables in large brasier or bake till well browned.
Transfer the browned bones and vegetables into heavy bottom stock pot, rinse the baking pan with some of the cold water, scraping the beef bits into the stockpot. Bring to simmer, turn down, giving specific instructions NOT TO TOUCH THE STOCK. New guy comes by and stirs the stock. Then someone else using the stove accidently turns the stock to a boil. Then noticing that the stock is boiling they turn it back down. Then when you show back up a little later you try to figure why you don't have a raft starting on the stock and everyone looks at you blankly. So you tell someone to "take care of the stock and put it away", so they walk over to the dishwasher and say"strain this off into a bucket and put it in the walk-in". So the dishwasher strains the stock off, puts the bones in the bucket and puts the bucket into the walk-in, like he thought he was supposed to. Three days later someone calls you at home asking if you hid the beef stock somewhere and were you saving these bones for anything.
!0# beef bones
2 onions, cut in half
6 carrots, peeled, cut in half
3 stalks celery
1 tsp whole peppercorns
3 bay leaves
5 gal. cold water.
Brown beef bones and vegetables in large brasier or bake till well browned.
Transfer the browned bones and vegetables into heavy bottom stock pot, rinse the baking pan with some of the cold water, scraping the beef bits into the stockpot. Bring to simmer, turn down, giving specific instructions NOT TO TOUCH THE STOCK. New guy comes by and stirs the stock. Then someone else using the stove accidently turns the stock to a boil. Then noticing that the stock is boiling they turn it back down. Then when you show back up a little later you try to figure why you don't have a raft starting on the stock and everyone looks at you blankly. So you tell someone to "take care of the stock and put it away", so they walk over to the dishwasher and say"strain this off into a bucket and put it in the walk-in". So the dishwasher strains the stock off, puts the bones in the bucket and puts the bucket into the walk-in, like he thought he was supposed to. Three days later someone calls you at home asking if you hid the beef stock somewhere and were you saving these bones for anything.
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This one comes from my boyfriend and is not for the easily queasy:
Cheesecake:
Buy a cheesecake and put it in the freezer for future use.
Take out cheesecake to thaw.
Start to cut the cheesecake with a butter knife.
Realize it's still frozen.
Keep trying to cut cheesecake, and yell to your spouse/SO/roommate/parents/pet, "Hey look, it's still frozen!"
Mid-sentence, get distracted and slice into your hand with the butter knife.
Get driven to the hospital (hopefully not by the pet).
Speaking of recipes gone wrong, it should be a written rule that any whole bird that has been roasted by a first-timer should automatically be thrown out. It's not going to be cooked through. Or is it just me?
Cheesecake:
Buy a cheesecake and put it in the freezer for future use.
Take out cheesecake to thaw.
Start to cut the cheesecake with a butter knife.
Realize it's still frozen.
Keep trying to cut cheesecake, and yell to your spouse/SO/roommate/parents/pet, "Hey look, it's still frozen!"
Mid-sentence, get distracted and slice into your hand with the butter knife.
Get driven to the hospital (hopefully not by the pet).
Speaking of recipes gone wrong, it should be a written rule that any whole bird that has been roasted by a first-timer should automatically be thrown out. It's not going to be cooked through. Or is it just me?
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